Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

Yesterday morning I was awoken by my neighbour who came back at 6am drunk. I was a bit annoyed that he had woken me up ringing my buzzer to let him in but I was also on a high. Some days I can be on a high almost hypo manic. So I was on a mission of writing out my weeks meal plan which in my high mood I was convinced I could stick to...a special k diet as I feel I really need to lose weight (I will write how this failed later). I wrote a list of goals for now and bigger long term goals and at the time felt life is amazing. The goals are realistic...well partly but not the ones that are the bigger issue. The smaller goals actually sound a bit pathetic.  Having a shower 3 days minimum a week. (When your depressed and unmotivated you don't value yourself enough to look after yourself properly). This is one area I struggled with even when I was working. Dry shampoo, good deodorant and clean clothes and hair tied back mean to the outside world you look presentable...to a mental health p...

A "recovered" alcoholic, will always be an alcoholic they say. As in they will always have to fight to remain abstinenent. One drink could be the trigger for a relapse. The same goes for eating disorders. For me I try to convince myself I will be able to stick to the latest fad diet or my own restrictive diets, trying to convince myself that it won't trigger the eating disorder "voice". But then I remind myself the voice never went. I fight days where the "voice" tells you you don't deserve to eat or the only way to lose weight is to not eat. Yes you can have a life where you don't eat, meaning having to stay in bed or at least a hermit in your flat as your too weak and emotional to go out or if you do that and have a productive busy day, you will have a migraine and feel really ill. I still have those days and then even the things I enjoy on them days such as choir, seeing Warwick and swimming arent as enjoyable.That's not the life I want ...

Feel like getting my thoughts out there as I'm laid awake being self critical about not being "perfect" but who is, everybody makes mistakes were human and that's ok. Recently I was feeling bad about not volunteering for the horse charity I volunteer at as much as I used to. Physical health wise I was struggling to keep up with the yard staff looking after the horses on the yard regularly so I have just focused on volunteering at their events. I felt I had let them down though but the other day got mentioned in their volunter news letter that I had been volunteering for them for 2 years so it was nice to have been recognised despite me feeling I didn't do enough. Yesterday I did a gig with choir, I have had a cold all week so wasn't sure i was going to be able to do it. There were a couple of songs i hadn't known before and i learnt and knew the words for, but then theres another song i have a mental block remembering the words for and i didn't remem...

Recovery from mental illness takes time ....I've been in and out of hospitals since 2010....the picture was taken just before I got admitted to an eating disorder clinic for severe bulimia but all I got there was bed and food and no therapy but was still working even doing agency care shifts whilst on home leave from the eating disorder clinic. In 2012 my self harm got worse and I got suicidal because of my eating disorder and other stuff and in between 2012 and 2014 took approximately 60 overdoses (God knows why I'm still here but obviously for hopefully some positive reason) and I got diagnosed with personality disorders. In 2015 my mental health got so bad I was sectioned for a year and sent to an out of area locked rehab for ladies with personality disorders but again got no therapy as the psychologist left.  I was discharged to a supported rehab for 2 years and they helped me get funding to do my riding instructor exam but I was dependant on alot of support as I was strugg...