Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 I didn't know wether to share this now or to have shared "after recovery". I relapsed badly with my eating disorder probably January 2023. There were a few triggers to the "relapse". I have had my eating disorder years but there are times it is more manageable and times I struggle alot more.  In 2022 I was feeling more mentally positive but was struggling with my eating disorder so after completing a 2 year therapy for personality disorders I got 10 sessions of cbt for eating disorders but I was told eat 3 meals 3 snacks but not what or how much and I got scared I couldn't trust myself to not eat too little leading to bingeing or eating too much to start with and so was scared I would gain more weight. So I found a meal replacement diet which was advertised as you could do an 800 calorie or 1200 calorie plan (rationally I knew both low really) I even kept telling people 800 was too low and I know even on 1200 calories I often feel unwell but I stuck the die

 I'm always open about my eating disorders but recent years for me have proved eating disorders can occur at any size and size doesn't determine which eating disorder someone is suffering from. Sadly if someone in a larger body loses weight even if with disordered eating, they are praised or it's not seen as a problem as it's expected they needed to lose weight although eating disorder therapists say to recover from any eating disorder, weight loss shouldn't be the goal which is what makes recovery hard. For me I felt too fat even at lower weights even when normal or even underweight so now my eating disorder makes me hate myself more and it affects my anxiety and confidence in general.  At the beginning of last year my eating disorder became more atypical anorexia after following what started as a fairly sensible calorie counting diet. ( atypical anorexia has the same symptoms and medical risks as typical anorexia apart from the weight threshold so if someone even

 This week is eating disorders awareness week, this year the theme is about ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder) but there needs to be more understanding, awareness and support for all eating disorders. I'm open about my history of eating disorders and to be honest thinking back I think it actually started with a form of ARFID. I can remember having food issues from starting school, I would be sent into the packed lunch room first sitting whatever year group was going in first, I would sit on my own and spend the whole lunch hour eating 2 small sandwiches, a yogert and packet of crisps I would have offered around the table. I didn't like many foods and would often get told off for not eating my dinners at home as I was so fussy. I think I had anxiety in general about everything and was ridiculously quiet and shy, at school I was known for not talking and not eating and maybe it became my identity and bullying made my anxiety worse. When I was about 11 my mum won sl

 I've worked in care for approximately 20 years on and off including in mental health and learning disabilities, as a carer your always taught about person centred holistic care and to promote independence as much as possible but then in the majority of care environments  and services, service users/ patients/ clients are told when to get up and washed and dressed and when to eat, drink etc. and therapies are similar, I know alot of it due to funding and lack of services but the majority of therapies are group or short term individual therapies and if you don't recover during that time or relapse even if your problem is long term, your classed as not engaging. Also the promoting independence isn't looked at individually either often people told to do things themselves despite struggling too much to do it. If someone is self isolating at home, too depressed or anxious to go out, they're classed as not causing a problem to anyone else so get no help, then if take an overd

 Today is time to talk day (1st February 2024), a day to encourage people to talk about mental health to help break the stigma and encourage people to reach out for support. 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem in their lifetime, from mild to moderate anxiety and depression, to more severe and enduring Mental Health problems such as eating disorders, personality disorders, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Often people are blamed for having a mental  health problem and just told to be positive, but you wouldn't tell someone with a physical illness, stop behaving the way your physical illness is making you behave, yet often people are told things like this with mental health problems. I've often shared my mental health story to help raise awareness and to help explain to people why I am the way I am but although I do that I do often feel ashamed and guilty that I struggle the way I do,

 I often write my blog to express my frustration, not at individual services but at my frustration of trying to get the right help at the right time for my eating disorder, especially times I'm struggling more. I first asked for help for bulimia in 2002 after it affected me doing what was a dream job at the time looking after rescue horses and I had to move back home. That was when I first openly admitted my eating was a problem, before then I hadn't seen it as a problem and was in denial if anyone confronted me about it. In 2002, apart from some mild self harm when I was 14, I didn't self harm, hadn't took any overdoses, I just had text book bulimia. My gp at the time referred me to a community psychiatric nurse (who back then had very limited training in eating disorders unless a specialist) so I got no therapy, saw a few other nurses and psychologists over the years who told me they didn't understand eating disorders and after a few years a local eating disorder