Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 I have been going to a group therapeutic community for a year this month for people with personality disorders which is for people with borderline or emotionally unstable personality disorder but there are 10 different personality disorders and NHS guidelines and funding focus on borderline, which I have traits of but I scored higher for a diagnosis of avoidant personality disorder which when I looked up the criteria for recently sounds exactly like alot of my problems. People with avoidant personality disorder: avoid social situations or contact with others because they have an overwhelming fear of being criticised, rejected or ridiculed and feel inferior meaning you are often quiet, shy and inhibited in social situations and worry you may cry or blush or do something wrong in social situations and be unwilling to try new things for fear of being embarrassed in front of other people.  This was totally me for many years along with eating disorders meant i just hid in my work ...

 I'm sure people get fed up of me going on about Facebook memories but saw one today was a status from 2014, the final year I admitted defeat on ever been able to go to uni to train as a mental health nurse and I was totally hopeless. I saw no future, was only going out with support workers or family and was taking overdoses constantly.  I'm frustrated that caronavirus has put this years plans on hold but I don't feel hopeless, more impatient. Hopeless isn't a good place to be it is a dark lonely place of suicidal thoughts and attempts and I want life to carry on, there is so much i want to do. I want to do some volunteer work then eventually paid work again, I want to one day go on tour with choir, I want to get back singing with choir and doing gigs and I'm positive these things will happen again it's just knowing when. We are on holiday from choir at the moment and it has turned out a couple of my good friends are also free so went for a nice tea out with one...

I have spent most of my life putting a value on myself based on weight (mostly because I feel not good enough in general), but I have spent too long, a good day being one I have lost weight and a bad day being one I have gained weight. I yo yo so much and I'm trying to tell myself is "fat" the worst thing I can be. I wouldn't be able to lose the amount of weight I feel I need to lose to be ok with myself anyway, and I guess healthy is what I need to and am aiming for. That's why I want to start swimming again. I read other blogs, see other peoples comments in eating disorder support groups where they are anorexic and feel they are superior and good at losing weight...that is my thinking in a disordered mindset (my bulimia came about after years of barely allowing myself to eat.....your body and brain give in eventually and the body instinctively needs food....that's why starving and restrictive diets lead to bingeing and weight gain and yo yoing). My ratio...