Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

I often get down around my birthday, last time I had to use crisis team was around about my birthday 2 years ago (although I've not had any severe self harm since end of 2018), but then last year I put a big thing convincing myself life begins at 40 and then it was in lockdown. I was thankful choir friends did me a zoom party and it made a lockdown 40th birthday a really good one and then once we came out of lockdown I had a night at a hotel and spa with my parents which was really nice. What does " life begins at 40" even mean though. I spent so much of my life convincing myself I didn't deserve to be alive that I missed out on actually having any dreams. I really wish I could rewind the clock. At 30 I convinced myself if I trained to be a nurse I deserved to be alive and then I convinced myself I wasn't good enough and spent the worst year in hospital and haven't worked properlysince even though I consistently worked for 17 years before (ever since I was 12 ...

 After 3 weeks off choir was really good to be back this week, my anxiety around food and social anxiety hadn't been great this week and it showed more at the group therapy I go too, I hate when I go quiet and emotional but I think food impacted my mood alot so need to use my "wise mind" rather than emotional one, but choir helped alot this week as it gives me a positive focus and I feel connected with everyone, we are singing really uplifting songs which is great for January blues. Today I met a friend who I last saw in November which was nice we had tea at Costa and exchanged Christmas presents and said we need to try meet more regularly this year even if once a month and then met a family friend who my mum used to work for she's an older lady who has known me since I was about 8, we got talking for about 3 hours and laughed about how quiet I was when I was younger and didn't hardly talk lol. I don't think I had seen her for a couple of years due to the pand...

 I originally started writing my blog as an insight into my recovery journey and to help people understand what it's like to live with eating and personality disorders. There was a time when I was really mentally unwell I was open with posts such as " another failed attempt" obviously people who knew my mental health problems knew what I meant and obviously it wasn't the best things to put but thankfully I'm not in that place now and like I said I was really unwell at the time. I still have times I still struggle alot and am open about the ups and downs as recovery isn't cure it's learning to " have a life worth living " despite your difficulties in the words of Marsha Linehalm who wrote DBT therapy.  I'm still in therapy for my personality disorders which is now getting extended whilst I wait for eating disorder therapy to start and to also have support to continue moving forward with my life.  I have struggled recently with my eating disord...

 Happy new year and all that, think last new year and the one before that I convinced myself my new years resolution was to "not diet", accept myself whatever size, but this year that mindset has totally gone, I just see pictures of when I was smaller and just wish I could be that size again ( even though I thought I was too big on there). As I've said many times before my mental health problems started with Eating Disorders and for years I couldn't get help with it, the year I was sectioned in hospital in 2015 I was in hospital for self harm and suicide attempts which I was doing because of my self hate, mostly relating to my weight but also feeling I wasn't good enough to be alive in general but even though I wasn't eating for days at a time, being sick when I did which then led to nights of self harm to punish myself for giving in and eating, no one actually helped me with the eating disorder thoughts that were driving it all, I kept getting told I had neve...