Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 Every summer I have the same problem that it's hot and I have scars on my arms and I feel self conscious so end up putting jackets or jumpers on and off, it's not because I get cold it's that I feel self conscious and embarrassed.  A friend who also writes a blog recently wrote about why someone would hurt themselves and its different for everyone. For me it's when I get too emotional as in I wouldn't just be calm and think it was a good idea to cut my arm or bang my head on a wall. I dissociate and lose control. My self harm has mostly been linked to bulimia and I would self harm to punish myself for eating and being sick, I hate it all and it's like then a switch is triggered to self harm.  I can only describe it as  if you imagine having a really strong emotion and you need to release it, mostly I can sit with the feelings unless I'm having a really bad day and the negative self hating thoughts take over. For anyone that knows someone who self harms, it ...

 It probably sounds like I make excuses for being overweight maybe I feel I have to justify why I'm "fat". I hate being this fat but until about 8 years ago I was never overweight.  I'm having CBT therapy for bulimia/eating disorder not otherwise specified and one of the exercises the therapist often does is get you to ask people if they think your overweight  (to try counteract your own negative judgement of yourself) but as I am overweight and other people also agree with me when I complain about being overweight that would be pointless.  I'm a long way from the weight I would need to be to stop hating myself because of my weight, even at times I've been underweight I thought I was too fat. An eating disorder voice will never be happy. That's what drove my self harm, to punish myself for eating and being too fat and then for everything else I " did wrong" too. When I was younger my eating disorder started alot to do with not feeling good enough...

 Yesterday I got a certificate through from beat the eating disorder charity as a thankyou for fundraising for them with a birthday fundraiser.  We live in a society where weight loss is praised and people are judged for being overweight or even a normal weight. If I go in a shop the magazine shelves are full of front page headlines of " how I lost weight" or criticising celebrities for what they look like if they have gained weight or praising weight loss even if they weren't overweight.  The diet industry cashes in on people's insecurities. But fad diets don't work, so many people do certain diets and come on and off them and yo yo with their weight. Its something I worry about as it was eating disorders that damaged my physical and mental health and I have had friends die from eating disorders either directly or problems relating to their obsession to achieve the perfect weight and I don't want anyone else to go down the same paths. I've known people de...