Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 As long as I can remember, I can remember even as a child saying I hated life. I think back then it was sadness as I got bullied at school and never felt I fitted in. As I got older I developed deeper thinking.  I thought it was my fault my birth mum died so I deserved to die, I was depressed at having to live with an eating disorder and never going to get better from it, I got scared of my adoptive parents dying and believed it would be easier if I died so I didn't have to deal with them dying, I got scared of losing support and scared I couldn't cope alone, anxiety making me believe dying was going to be less scary than having to manage an adult life on my own. I still have these fears and beliefs, they never went and I believe I will die by suicide eventually but for now I live for other people, I stay alive mostly for my parents and Warwick and I try to make myself valuable at choir and work and volunteering to give myself reasons to stay alive. Am I a hypocrite writing s...

 I wish I could call a failed diet just that but I tried to recover from bulimia with a diet and then the diet has triggered bulimia again so now I'm stuck again. I thought my diet was the answer it told me what to eat and how much and I have been losing weight mostly in the proper way with some eating disorder behaviour but then the last few days bulimia has come back with a vengeance. For me by trying not to eat I end up bingeing then purging. I have never got comfort from food but some foods trigger me to binge when I eat them. I really think maybe I should do a complete meal replacement diet as then there won't be any trigger foods and then I don't know what calorie limit to do. I had 10 sessions of cbt for eating disorders and was told eat 3 meals and 3 snacks but wasn't told what to have and when and seeing someone for an hour for 10 sessions doesn't deal with every meal every day so now I'm having to do it on my own. I've been trying to get eating dis...