Avoidant and dependant personality disorders...

I feel like doing a blog update...everyone has heard of anxiety,depression,bipolar and schizophrenia but personality disorders are becoming a more diagnosed condition too. Mostly because they used to be classed as untreatable but now there are specific therapies available...another blog for another day.
Personality disorders are conditions in which an individual differs significantly from an average person in terms of how they think, perceive, feel or relate to others. Often if people have heard of personality disorders the most commonly heard of is borderline (bpd) also called emotionally unstable personality disorder. That's because it is the personality disorder that is most impulsive landing people in hospital for self harm or suicide attempts therefore most therapies are for bpd. (Which I do have traits of ). However there are 15 different personality disorders including borderline and the main 2 I have are dependant and avoidant personality disorders.  They are anxious personality disorders and I feel they explain how I have been my whole life. Personality disorders are said to be caused by attachment issues in childhood...like I said in a previous post I am adopted and my birth mum died when I was 2 months old and so it caused an anxious attachment. I have supportive adoptive parents and I have lived my whole life fearing losing them. I get told it is the normal progression of life to lose your parents at sometime and I fear losing them so much that it causes the most anxiety and they could be around for lots of years to come yet...I wish we could predict what the future is and I wish time could stand still so no one gets older...and lives forever...surely even people without personality disorders feel that to an extent. As a child and even a teenager I was exceptionally quiet and shy and self conscious which made me an easy target for bullies. And I wasnt exactly the life and soul of the party so spent most of my school days without friends...I had the odd good friend but most school holidays were spent on my own. I now know my traits were emerging personality disorders. People with avoidant personality disorder (from the Mind website)

• Avoid work or social activities that mean you must be with others.
• Expect disapproval an criticism and be very sensitive to it
• Worry constantly about "being found out" and rejected.
• Worry about being ridiculed or shamed by others.
• Avoid relationships, friendships and intimacy because you fear rejection.
• Feel lonely, isolated and inferior to others.
• Be reluctant to try new activities in case you embarrass yourself.

For me I am actually a people person...I loved working as a support worker for vulnerable adults and was good at it, I like to think im friendly and easy to get on with and I do have a few close friends I have had for years that I know I can trust but they are similar to me and we clicked straight away. It takes me a long time to trust people and have avoided relationships my whole life but then you end up being lonely...im not a loner...I hate my own company but I'm too old now for that to change....but that's why I hate living on my own...its not a choice as such. There was also because I spent my whole life feeling suicidal I didn't want a relationship in case they get hurt...I never wanted kids for the same reason...my birth mum was also suicidal so there must be some genetic predisposition too it although she lost her mum when she was 2 as well so she also had personality disorders. My avoidant PD means I want to be sociable and join in social stuff but then I get anxious so end up totally avoiding the situation or feeling not good enough and getting upset and leaving early. I'm challenging myself more with this and have had alot of supportive people lately.

People with dependant personality disorder (from the Mind website):

• Feel needy, weak and unable to make decisions or function properly without help or support. 
• Allow others to assume responsibility for many areas of your life.
• Agree to things you feel are wrong or you dislike to avoid being alone or losing someones support.
• Be afraid of being left to fend for yourself.
• Have low self confidence. 
• See other people as being much more capable than you are
• Be seen by others as much too passive and submissive. 

I have definitely always been dependant on my parents for reassurance and support sometimes even if I'm doing something I know I will double check how to do it...and I get my mum or support workers to help me sort official stuff out...independence terrifies me. This is the first time I have lived on my own but I have support workers help me alot...independence terrifies me...I lived with my parents...then in hospital for a year...then a mental health supported rehab for 2 years and now my own flat with support workers who I guess I have also become dependant on...but one of the goals of therapy is to try be a bit more independent...maybe one day I can be...
I feel like I'm writing a book. To be honest I miss studying and was interested in psychology and mental health conditions and feel if I'm open about my problems then conditions are more understood.