Making and keeping friends is hard when your mental health gets in the way...

I guess I'm not the easiest person to understand sometimes, especially as a can be positive one minute, then negative the next. With the mental health diagnosis i have there are usually triggers to low mood and impulsive behaviours. Recently my mum has been poorly and my biggest fear I have is losing my parents and also someone pointed out I seem to struggle close to my birthday and I always feel guilty being alive around my birthday because of my birth mum dying at 28 as a result of me being born. I guess I am open about stuff, some people would say too open, but i guess i have been in mental health services so long it has become normality to be around other people with issues who often also talk openly so i forget " normal people " aren't as open. Also I think the last few years my identity became my mental health problems but I'm trying to break away from that. That is why I joined a choir and have started going to a drama group so I can do things to distract away from thinking about the mental health stuff and make friends outside of mental health services. I have friends with similar problems and I value those friends and we understand and support each other but also talk about other stuff too. I go to a group therapeutic community and the days revolve around talking about deep stuff, so in alot of ways that brings stuff to the surface. I have struggled the last few weeks and ended up self harming first time in ages but I dissociate and lose control when I'm really emotional so am suspended from the therapy for a week. I thought of it as a punishment for something I couldn't control but am going to use the time off to spend some extra time with my horse and get back on track with being less impulsive. My mum is feeling a bit better after we finally got her to see a doctor and there are positive things to look forward to around my birthday too. It is the one time of year I do see my close friends and go out for a nice meal together and I want to enjoy more normal things with people.  Please be patient with me, I may be weird at times, i am at times absorbed in my problems but i am also good at helping others too and do care about my friends. I am going to therapy to deal with my mental health and hopefully it will help some things even if not others but i am trying. I guess this week my jumper my mum bought me for Christmas is right"I don't need therapy I need to be with my horse" .

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