Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

This week is eating disorders awareness week and b-eat the national eating disorder charity runs helplines for sufferers and carers. I've suffered with eating disorders since I was about 12, I was 21 when I accepted it was a problem and needed help with it, not that asking for help actually got me the help I needed at that time. So it was my parents who supported me the most, it is not the easiest illness to deal with, the main thing we ever argued about was food if anyone confronted me about it, so I can't thank my parents enough for always sticking by me even at my worst. Fortunately we found a good eating disorder support group in Hull called SEED run by Marg and Den Oaten which support carers and sufferers of eating disorders and I'm so grateful for the support they gave us over the years that me and my mum went to the groups. When my bulimia was really bad and I still lived with my parents we even had a locked food cupboard that they kept sweets etc.  in as you bec...

Someone just showed up on my timeline from when I was at a therapeutic community in London I went to back in March 2015. It doesn't actually seem that long ago and it's been a rollercoaster few years but things are definitely alot better than that year. I went to London as local mental health services had said they had exhausted all avenues of care with me that they had available as I was classed as too complex, taking overdoses constantly. So I went to London for the intensive therapy I needed. Unfortunately at that time I wasn't in control of any of my self harming or suicidal thoughts and even small triggers would trigger me to self harm, which was against the rules at that therapeutic community and I only lasted there a few weeks and I think in those few weeks I spent so much time absconding  to overdose etc. I didn't really make any connections with the other patients there. Thinking about it though had I been as stable with my self harm as I had been for the l...

My obsessive thoughts have been so strong lately they alternate between eating disorder thoughts and suicidal ones. The suicidal ones have subsided after a small overdose the other day(I have limited access to any meds so was only antihistamines I was taking for a sinus infection I've had...but I'm not supposed to take any antihistamines because of the heart condition I have). But unfortunately a way the suicidal thoughts quieten is self harm...I hate that I end up doing it again.... I gave up on meal plans and because my mood has been low I've been spending entire days in bed to avoid eating and drinking which obviously inevitably you have to eat...it causes  such a battle in my head it's doing my head in...again it ends up in having to self harm to punish myself for eating. I took the overdose Monday after the group therapy I go to...I only went for the morning and the thoughts got too strong so I went home. I got checked at the hospital and was medically ok. Tues...

I've set myself practical goals to not act on suicidal thoughts for the last year and a half and it has worked but it's not easy. You can put on a happy face in public, crying on your own behind closed doors, avoiding going out on your worst days so I can see how people can presume that if they see people out doing stuff and appearing ok they can't be feeling suicidal. The last 2 weeks have been really hard, I always get down in January, I've always thought I deserved to be dead since I was 28 (the age my birth mum was when she died as a result of me being born). So I've made many suicide attempts since then. I seem to have more lives than a cat as they have been serious attempts but I always survived. There is always a part of me that is glad to be alive, the part that loves my family and my horse Warwick but living with mental illness can take you to dark places and it's hard to keep pulling yourself out. This last week at a group therapy I go to I was ...

When I was younger I always struggled to fit in with people and my passion became horses. As a teenager although I had my mental health problems the main thing I would talk about was horse riding and my favourite horses. That was what got me through my lonely school days, knowing I would be riding my favourite horse at the weekend. I had also always enjoyed helping people and was in Saint John's ambulance cadets and wanted to become a nurse and also loved singing in the church choir. After I left school because I was bullied and didn't feel confident with people I decided I wanted to work with rescue horses so did animal care and horse studies at college and university and got a job at a horse charity in Lancashire. Unfortunately the manager wasn't very nice, he told me one day I was too heavy to ride a horse he had told me to get on and my eating disorder got really bad (I wasn't overweight then and the horse wasn't small). I had to move back home and was even goin...