Trying to stay motivated when the biggest problem is loneliness and dark thoughts...


I've set myself practical goals to not act on suicidal thoughts for the last year and a half and it has worked but it's not easy. You can put on a happy face in public, crying on your own behind closed doors, avoiding going out on your worst days so I can see how people can presume that if they see people out doing stuff and appearing ok they can't be feeling suicidal.

The last 2 weeks have been really hard, I always get down in January, I've always thought I deserved to be dead since I was 28 (the age my birth mum was when she died as a result of me being born). So I've made many suicide attempts since then. I seem to have more lives than a cat as they have been serious attempts but I always survived. There is always a part of me that is glad to be alive, the part that loves my family and my horse Warwick but living with mental illness can take you to dark places and it's hard to keep pulling yourself out. This last week at a group therapy I go to I was really struggling with my eating disorder and feeling guilty about eating and feeling guilty about being alive. The week before I had been suspended from the therapy for a week for self harming there which I fight the thoughts to do normally apart from when I'm really struggling.  So when I went back some of the others in the group were angry at me saying what did I have to be upset about as they had bigger problems than mine totally invalidating mine. Invalidating that bullying throughout all of my school days has affected me so much and invalidating my struggles I have about being adopted.

I have spent alot of my life on my own, I've never had a proper relationship, partly my social anxiety means I find it hard to trust anyone, I hate my own body so don't expect anyone else to like it and the depressing one is I always felt I would kill myself so it wouldn't be fair to get close to anyone....maybe one day I won't feel like that but I would write I hate life at 8 years old so not sure how I can find a way to feel different.

A normal 39 year old would be married/in a relationship/ alot have children, have a career and a life they're happy with. I lived a life that I didn't plan on having. I didn't think I would be alive past 28 (my mum died in her 20s, her mum did too...apparently my birth mum said she knew she would die young, she kept trying to kill herself...so God knows why she was selfish enough to have  kids).

I've had obsessive thoughts to overdose this week and it scares me when they get like that as I know if I do it many more times I won't survive and I'm glad I had the strength to not act on the thoughts.

I do have friends but I don't have anyone I can just contact if I'm down, most of my friends don't live local or are married with children and busy lives or have their own mental health problems and when your problems go on for years people get bored of hearing it, I get bored of hearing myself to be honest but I am always their for friends who have rung me in similar situations and will listen and try and help others as I know how hard it is feeling alone at 3am.

I literally write in my diary when I have choir gigs, plan things like horse riding lessons, enrol to do college courses and set myself exercise goals. I arrange to meet with friends the rare times they are available but I spend alot of my time lonely, I hate living on my own, the nights I'm in on my own watching TV I miss being able to talk to people.  I go to safe space sometimes which is a crisis cafe run by mind and navigo the local mental health services where you can go if you are struggling with loneliness and your mental health and can talk to support workers and play games with others there as distraction. It can help sometimes but I wish I had a more normal life.

I'm 40 next year and part of me wants to think life begins at 40...part of me is scared things won't get better as my moods are so up and down I don't like the dark places i end up in.

For now I will do as I did last year living my life where I have something to look forward to each week and take each day and week as it comes....


I guess this isn't the most positive blogg post but I'm still trying to stay motivated....

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