Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

I was thinking back to a couple of years ago and how lonely and socially isolated I had become, the only people I was socialising with were paid support workers. I spent a year in a locked mental health hospital with limited access to the internet or phone and during that year all my old friends lives carried on and I was no longer a part of it. It's not anyones fault, at the age I am (nearly 40) people are generally married or in relationships, alot have kids, jobs and careers and busy lives. When I was in hospital and then the mental  health rehab I lived at after, I would often say to staff how I didn't have any friends I saw often and some would say they didn't see friends too...but were married or in a relationship. So I would then say precisely your not always on your own then are you. I got badly bullied at school, I know that sounds a long time ago but it did enough damage to learn not to trust people so I have never had relationships, and have only ever trusted a f...

Trying to be positive about the whole lockdown situation. I often feel lonely and socially isolated but that had been getting better lately and I had arranged to meet with some friends to go to the cinema and other stuff so I'm trying to stay positive that socially life will get better after we get through this pandemic. It is easier to try be more positive about the situation if I remind myself everyone is going through the same. Food is going to do my head in, my head always says all food is bad, and I hate myself for being fat all the time, I cant go out to exercise being stuck in I'm going to get even fatter. Some days I stay in bed to avoid food but then obviously end up eating at some point. When my mood goes really low and or I'm bored or lonely I find it harder to restrict and end up going the other way and bingeing.  My food shop isnt due for 2 more weeks, I have food in if it's a restrict week my head will constantly be reminding me there is stupid food in b...

I was at the group therapy I go to today and we were talking about whether we should self isolate etc. I have decided that because I am in the high risk category (I had heart failure and chronic kidney disease a few years ago and also had pneumonia that year too and was in high dependency unit) so I am going to take a break from the group therapy where there are 20 members plus staff and will just go to places with few people so I can still go and see Warwick my horse and go to my mum and dads and walk the dogs. I normally say how lonely and isolated I feel living on my own and rarely seeing friends, but it is better to be safe and physically well and alive than carry on as normal and potentially put myself and my parents who are older also with health problems at risk. I always said I deserved to be dead by the time I was 28 but I now want a life...I'm 40 in just under a year....I can't have survived numerous suicide attempts, heart failure, meningococcal septicaemia and pne...