Trying to be positive and "feel the fear and do it anyway"

My mood and confidence has been up and down the last few weeks, partly some antibiotics I'm on I think affected a mood stabiliser I am on but also it is what I am like anyway.

I often get down that I don't see friends often, I get down that I feel not good enough, I get down that I'm too fat...I think everyone has those days and it is the way we look at it. On a dark day I can think I don't see friends often it must be something I have done wrong or the other way of looking at it is they have busy lives and we will enjoy the times we do see other more so with it being the summer holidays a couple of my friends are free to meet up over the next few weeks which I'm looking forward to...as much as technology is great to stay in touch it's not the same as doing things together in person.

I always get down about my weight, years of eating disorders won't go overnight...probably won't ever go and eating disorders arent great in lockdown but last year I did a sponsored swim and was eating to be healthy to swim so I've got a new swimming costume...such an exciting life I lead and am looking forward to the swimming pool opening next week so I can get fitter and healthier and deal with food and body image issues in a healthier way...although I have stuck to regular meals for the past month including one planned take away.

It was only last week at choir on zoom I was feeling emotional and stupidly it was because we were doing a song I didnt know and I got self conscious and as I was feeling emotional anyway that day ended up crying.. not great for singing....I always get self conscious with choreography as I am the most unco coordinated person but I need to tell myself what's the worst that can happen...people can laugh...but probably wouldn't even notice ....so lately I have been trying to be pro active I'm often depressed and unmotivated so started recording videos of me singing, obviously I have to look ok on them so made a bit of an effort a couple of times I did my hair and make up but it was just to make me feel more confident and as for the singing on video, we did a couple for choir and the only way to get better is to keep practicing and "fight the fear and do it anyway"... maybe I do look for approval from other people too much, but alot of people have helped me believe in myself more lately....I really wish I could be a really positive, bubbly confident person....maybe one day I will get there....

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