Finally hopefully good news re eating disorder help

 My mental health has been up and down for years....the original cause was an eating disorder that started when I was 12 or before. I saw camhs briefly when I was 14 who didn't even acknowledge it despite me being referred there because of eating problems and then over the years once I admitted it was a problem, I've been classed as too high functioning, too complex, not having an eating disorder even despite having been in an eating disorder clinic, but even in there I got no actual therapy. 

10 years after first asking my gp for help and being passed around various mental health professionals who had no clue about eating disorders I did finally see a good eating disorder therapist but only for 20 sessions of cbt for what then was a 10 year problem, it helped to an extent but I was supposed to get psychology too to deal with underlying problems too. 

As time went on I was self harming and suicidal because of the eating disorder voice that takes over whatever your weight, that make you hate everything about you, even when I was smaller I thought I was too fat and worthless. Over the years I've had times of restricting alot, times of being sick after everything I eat, as well as laxatives and diet pills, times of bingeing, sometimes just eating normal meals but still feeling guilty then having to then restrict or be sick which I have always hated doing. Often physically I do now often get pain after eating and the only thing that gets rid of the pain is to be sick but I'm having that investigated so hopefully something can be done to help that side of things. My weight has fluctuated but my thinking hasn't. I fight the self harming and suicidal thoughts, giving myself reasons not to act on thembut they are closely linked to the eating disorder so it is often hard but I have things in my life I want to achieve before I die. 

Eating Disorders are a mental disorder not a weight disorder, mental health meds and heart failure caused me to gain weight about 6 years ago, when I see other people trying diets I often convince myself I can also follow it, it always fails as it normally makes the guilt of eating worse especially as I struggle to exercise as much as when I was younger due to physical health issues. 

I know I will never be a size 10 again, a size I was with severe bulimia, being sick after everything I ate and felt too fat even then, but I know mentally and physically I need to find a way to hopefully have a healthier relationship with food, which hopefully will help me lose weight.  I know eating disorder therapy teaches to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks and apparently everyone has a set point weight, I always say I think I have fat genes, I met a birth uncle and I'm not kidding when I say he was really big, obviously I don't judge other people on weight because of my own issues but he was unhealthy big. 

Today I got a phone call to say eating disorder services are offering me an assessment so I'm hoping they can finally help me, I've been in therapy for my personality disorders and self harm for 2 years and that along with having mental health support workers has helped me with some of my mental health but I feel as the eating disorder voices are what often take me over I need help to comfort that with professionals who know about that rather than ones who don't see the eating disorder and so try class it as needing lifestyle education, eat less, exercise more, some days I barely eat, other days I eat unhealthy stuff, and I try to be as active as I can but since I had covid I have struggled with being really tired and felt unwell after not doing alot but even my heart consultant tried to blame that on weight gain, I haven't gained alot since before I had covid, in fact I have lost some recently but I was fitter before I had covid as I was doing a sponsored swim. The reason I asked my heart consultant to investigate if it was heart related was because I had heart failure in the past and I've struggled to exercise much since having covid and when I had heart failure I got water retention on my stomach which is what it looks like now. I took alot of overdoses in the past too so I know that also has had a big impact on my physical health, I do wish I could turn the clock back 19 years and have lived my life differently but I guess we have to live the life we have with what we have, I may have my challenges but I never give up, all we can ever do is try our best with everything and I'm hoping with the right combination of help, my life will continue to get better, it has improved from when I was constantly in crisis acting on suicidal thoughts,  I am lucky to be here so have got a life to live.

My weight has changed over the years but my thinking hasn't around food even in happier times but hopefully now I can get the help to do that...







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