Gave into diet marketing

 I've been having CBT for eating disorders for a while now, I've had 9 of 10 sessions then will have a 1 month and 3 month follow up. I was getting told to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks but as much as I tried as best I could I didn't fully stick to it, cycling between throwing half eaten meals away then bingeing. 

I've been doing a sponsored swim and been quite active at choir, trips away and the stables so have lost weight but I haven't found a consistent way I trust.

I have been told many times if you eat 3 meals and 3 snacks, don't cut out food groups, your body will find its set point weight but it takes a long time to find it so I'm scared to try it on my own as dont know exact portion sizes etc.

So I've given in to a fad diet that keeps showing up as an advert on my Facebook (that's great that I put lots about eating disorders on my Facebook and blog yet Facebook has tried to sell me a diet). I normally do a monthly food shop and I got a cost of living payment so ordered a month worth of meal replacement shakes, bars and low calorie packet meals for an 800 calorie a day diet. My eating disorder therapist said she's concerned the effect it will have on my mental health but I told her mentally I'm struggling being the size I am and often cry about it and it's so hard to not self harm it is pure willpower that stops me self harming. I have been so close to self harming as I think even if I never do it again I have lots of scars that everyone can see in hot weather, so then I neatly give into it when my self gating thoughts take over. Mentally food, weight and body image is hard whatever is going on. 

When I see people who are low weight my eating disorder tells me that is my goal and no weight will ever be low enough but I try fight it with what I would lose if I give into the eating disorder. I used to be sick alot to deal with the guilt of eating but last few times I did it I was getting shooting pains in my arms and was scared of it affecting my heart, I didn't used to care if I died but I'm not suicidal at the moment so scared of dying, there are things I want to achieve and enjoy before I die.

I'm finishing a sponsored swim for July so not cutting calories until after I finish that but then in August my pacemaker due a new battery so I won't be able to swim for 6 weeks so am scared I will gain my weight back if I don't do something drastic. The diet products I've bought can be used totally for an 800 calorie a day diet or for 2 meals then have a 600 calorie main meal and 2 100 calorie snacks which might be more sensible long term, I really wish food didn't exist and we didn't need it to live and everyone was just naturally the same healthy weight, wouldn't life be simpler.

I need to stay healthy though too so I will try be sensible and fight the eating disorder thoughts that always try to take over. 





Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Positive ways to help mental health...

I don't want to be totally negative in my posts so decided today's should be a more positive one. Severe and enduring mental health problems will probably never go but there are things we can do to make it more manageable. The 2 best things I did were buying a horse, Warwick and joining a choir. Music and horses have proven health benefits and I can definitely back that up. I bought Warwick 13 years ago and he is my best friend. Horses are so intuitive to our emotions and being around him does help me keep my emotions more in check when I am around him. If I'm feeling anxious Warwick is anxious and thinks there is something to worry about, I have to remind myself that I have to be confident to give him the confidence. I also find having the responsibility of Warwick makes me try as best as I can to stay well...that doesn't work 100 percent but I am getting better at it in alot of ways. The best thing I did a year ago was join a choir. I actually booked a taster sessio...
Read more

Eating disorders awareness week 2020 (2nd to 8th of March)....carers need support too..

Image
This week is eating disorders awareness week and b-eat the national eating disorder charity runs helplines for sufferers and carers. I've suffered with eating disorders since I was about 12, I was 21 when I accepted it was a problem and needed help with it, not that asking for help actually got me the help I needed at that time. So it was my parents who supported me the most, it is not the easiest illness to deal with, the main thing we ever argued about was food if anyone confronted me about it, so I can't thank my parents enough for always sticking by me even at my worst. Fortunately we found a good eating disorder support group in Hull called SEED run by Marg and Den Oaten which support carers and sufferers of eating disorders and I'm so grateful for the support they gave us over the years that me and my mum went to the groups. When my bulimia was really bad and I still lived with my parents we even had a locked food cupboard that they kept sweets etc.  in as you bec...
Read more

Moods are a rollercoaster with personality and eating disorders...

Yesterday morning I was awoken by my neighbour who came back at 6am drunk. I was a bit annoyed that he had woken me up ringing my buzzer to let him in but I was also on a high. Some days I can be on a high almost hypo manic. So I was on a mission of writing out my weeks meal plan which in my high mood I was convinced I could stick to...a special k diet as I feel I really need to lose weight (I will write how this failed later). I wrote a list of goals for now and bigger long term goals and at the time felt life is amazing. The goals are realistic...well partly but not the ones that are the bigger issue. The smaller goals actually sound a bit pathetic.  Having a shower 3 days minimum a week. (When your depressed and unmotivated you don't value yourself enough to look after yourself properly). This is one area I struggled with even when I was working. Dry shampoo, good deodorant and clean clothes and hair tied back mean to the outside world you look presentable...to a mental health p...
Read more