Misconceptions about mental health and judgements even amongst professionals

If we have a broken leg, we can visibly see what's going on with an x ray but a broken mind can't be seen and behaviours because of the mental health such as suicide attempts, self harm and eating disorder behaviours are stigmatised and judged.

I originally started writing my blog at a time I was doing quite well with my mental health but to raise awareness of my own journey of how I became suicidal and struggled with an eating disorder to help people understand from the perspective of someone who had suffered.

Recently this year I've struggled more with my own mental health again after 4 and a half years of being more stable from self harm and suicide attempts, I relapsed. 

I had still struggled with an eating disorder in various forms during the 4 and a half years I was more stable but I could push away thoughts to self harm. I had some eating disorder therapy but only got 10 sessions where I was told to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks, don't count calories but wasn't told what to have or when. For me there is always a 'voice' that makes me feel guilty about eating so that leads to restricting but then I either go through longer periods of restricting which affects rest of mental health and causes depression and anxiety to get worse or end up bingeing then purging to deal with the guilt of giving in and eating. So I couldn't trust my own judgement to not eat too much or too little and wasn't with the therapist long enough to test out set point weight theory, the weight our body apparently naturally wants to be at when we are eating regularly and consistently. Set point weight is the reason when we 'diet' we struggle to lose weight after a certain point as everyone's body apparently has a natural healthy weight and this can be higher for some people due to genetics, bone structure, muscle mass etc. I have no idea what my set point weight would be as although I am overweight now, I maintained lower weights with extreme eating disorder behaviours such as being sick a lot, taking laxatives, diet pills and over exercising. I think as an adult a few months in 2019 was the healthiest I was physically and mentally, I was swimming regularly and swam 22 miles in 12 weeks and saw food as fuel to swim and be healthy rather than to obsessively see as calories to avoid and be scared of. I was a similar size to I am now but at the moment I'm struggling a lot with my bulimia and it's affecting the rest of my mental health.

Near the end of the eating disorder therapy I was scared of being unable to follow what I was being told to eat without a clear measurable meal plan or support and I hated myself at the weight I was, bearing in mind my eating disorders always made me think I was too fat even at lower weights, so a goal to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks and accept my weight whatever it did without support, I just can't do. So my focus continued to be to lose weight, but my bulimia/ eating disorder not otherwise specified is further triggered by restricting/ dieting but then it was also the eating disorder and anxiety around food, weight and body image that prompted the diet. A calorie counting meal replacement diet kept being advertised to me on facebook and I knew of friends who lost weight doing similar. The diet advertised an 800 calorie a day plan and a 1200 calorie plan, I even warned other people to be careful going as low as 800 calories due to my own past health problems physically and mentally because of my eating disorders and i mostly followed a 1200 to 1400 plan for 11 weeks and lost 3 stone. I was having 2 meal replacements, a 600 calorie main meal and 200 calorie evening snack. The main meals were a balance of healthier pinch of nom type meals and unhealthier take aways or meals out calorie counted. I was obsessed with the calorie counting and if ate out and didn't know the calories I would have a meltdown  but generally I was more normal around food than when I'm fully entrenched in my eating disorders.

Around christmas time I then started struggling with my mental health but I kept focused with choir gigs and generally could rationalise that I had to eat to be safe if driving etc. especially if further drives than town driving.

I knew I often struggle with my mental health in January so I did a sponsored move for MIND the mental health charity and tried to restart my 'diet' I had previously done. But as my mental health was more unstable in general due to anxiety about life pressures in general it triggered my eating disorder and I was restricting food more and more, the eating disorder 'voice' became loud and I felt guilty about all calories. I would get hungry but be having an argument in my head that I wasn't allowed to eat and I took an overdose after feeling guilty about eating a yogurt. I even felt guilty about the meal replacements as they had too many calories and I started replacing them with lower calorie cereal bars and had limited safe foods of cereal bars, vegan yogurts and fruit juice cartons. I didn't complete my sponsored move for mind and even became unreliable for choir, work and volunTeering and that made me feel worse about myself and my eating disorder triggered my depression to get bad and I've been stuck in a cycle since. I have weeks I restrict and weeks I binge/purge and giving into eating when the eating disorder 'voice' doesn't want you to leads to self harming and feeling suicidal thoughts which are hard to fight.

I'm supposed to be going on holiday with choir and I want to go but depends on my anxiety around food. My diet was never originally related to the holiday at all but then other people were dieting and trying to get healthier to go and my eating disorder thoughts started telling me that everyone thought of me as fat and greedy and unless I lost weight I would have more reason to feel guilty and self conscious eating with other people and I've had more times I've had to be sick to deal with the guilt of eating. My eating disorder anxieties are always triggered by other anxieties too, I took on more work pressures and volunteering and I started thinking I wasn't good enough, friends lives got busier after lockdown so I get lonelier again and my eating disorder/anxious thoughts get worse when I'm on my own a lot. I'm not blaming anyone else, it's all life. Diets and weight and busy lives are just life, sadly we are judged on weight then expected to socialise with food and drink. People with eating disorders like food, I have favourite foods and times my eating disorder thoughts are calmer I enjoy some foods but then with some people you can feel judged and some people do judge people on their weight but weight doesn't determine health, I've been bigger and physically and mentally healthier and smaller and maintained in dangerous ways leading to having to have a pacemaker as I was told I was at high risk of dying.

The title I put was misconceptions about mental health and judgements and I've then gone on a lot about what has been going on recently and why and been open and honest, I'm an open book. But I've been judged as doing everything to get more care and had someone say people with personality disorders misbehave (self harm) more in hospital for attention and to get more care but  I told someone often were behaving no different to at home just in hospital there happen to be other people there, I know for me my own obsessive self destructive thoughts are there whatever building I am in, sometimes the behaviour changes for example in hospital I banged my head more as anything else to self harm with was removed and I got no therapy to manage my thoughts with better coping skills. 

Even A and E staff have judged me. I went there 4 times this year but once was for self harm and I had run out of my own first aid stuff, even if cuts are deep I steristrip them myself as I don't like wasting resources when I can deal with them myself and I'm scared of stitches anyway. I get embarrassed by my self harm and hate having to wear long sleeves in summer and went ages without doing it, I only self harm when in a mental health crisis and can't manage the thoughts. The next day I was told to go for a crisis assessment, I was depressed and unmotivated in bed but then got dressed, went out and bought paracetamol and took an overdose and scared myself, there was no ulterior motive, my self destructive thoughts got too strong and I struggled more in hospital with guilt around food. I even said I didn't want to go on the mental health ward as it would trigger old behaviours but I went to a crisis house and having staff to talk through my anxieties and to talk to for distraction when I was eating and coming up with some goals with them helped but I only went for 3 days then went back to struggling on my own at home again. I've tried to carry on with work, choir etc, but then struggle in between. I took another overdose after feeling guilty about eating a meal but it was below the treatment line so I was sent home with no physical or mental health support and a few days later I had really bad pain which I was worried was due to the overdose and bulimia so went to A and E where I was just told to do some back stretches and told my bloods were normal but my notes say I'm a frequent attender of A and E but I hadn't even been for 4 and a half years and don't enjoy being there and the judgement. And why after 4 and a half year why would I suddenly decide I want care, this time last year I ended a 3 day a week therapy program, was doing better with self harm, went back to work and stopped having support workers, I was proud of what I achieved but just wanted support to get through a relapse due to struggling a lot with my eating disorder.

I'm trying to use professional support but it is limited when struggling 24 hours a day but there is a couple of good evening support services I'm trying to use to try get back on top of it and have used eating disorder charities for advice and support.

It is hard, I hate mental health and I know I frustrate people and other people have worse things going on in their lives, I try help other people as much as I can and don't like when I'm not at my most positive  but every day I'm trying it's just not always successful