Mental health versus physical health judgement


 If someone has a mental health problem they are blamed for their illness by many. I've had too many friends die from their mental illnesses over the last few years and not all of them, probably none of them wanted to die I'd they had a healthy mind.

Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness due to the physical effects of the eating disorder or suicide. Having a voice in your head 24/7 making you feel guilty about everything you eat is hard to live with, it's not a diet gone wrong, it's not vanity. A diet can trigger it but it becomes more than that and the ed tells you you have to punish yourself for doing something we need to do the live, survive, enjoy life.

Last week I went on holiday to Florence in Italy it was a beautiful place, I was with choir friends and there were good times and laughs. My eating disorder came though and I envy people who could go and enjoy the Italian food, have an ice cream etc. I end up crying over just having to have food I need, when my eating disorder thoughts are calmer I gave favourite foods the same as anyone else and want to be able to enjoy them without having to compensate by being sick or not eating, I don't even control my weight with it often unless I'm restricting alot and then that makes my depression worse.

I took an overdose as I had obsessive thoughts I deserved to hurt myself for eating too much whilst away and then being anxious and depressed in life in general makes those thoughts harder to manage.

I can see how people get upset by mental health and associated behaviour but in my job as a carer I see suffering all the time physical and mental it isn't comparable neither are a choice, in an ideal world we would all live long happy lives and die in our sleep in old age with no physical or mental pain.

It upsets me to see others suffering and I work as a carer because I want yo make a difference I often say I deserve to be dead if I don't have a purpose but I wouldn't say that about anyone else.

Suicide is a taboo subject, when someone dies by suicide there is sympathy, when someone attempts suicide there is judgement and anger, but often it isn't that the person wanted to die they wanted to end their pain.

I have a long history of mental health problems, my birth mum apparently was the same and kept trying to kill herself then selfishly had kids ( ironically she then died as a result of me being born which I have always felt guilty about) I try not to bring too many other people into it I wouldn't have children as it wouldn't be fair to pass on the obvious genetic link and I couldn't guarantee I would live to see them grow up. If I could relive my life maybe I would have had relationships, children, a job or career I enjoyed doing but it's too late for any of that now.

I have an old pony who I love and who needs me, I enjoy singing in a choir and have some friends there. People back off when severe and enduring Mental Health are involved but I'm still in here somewhere I'm just struggling to find me....



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