Feeling a bit hopeful about ed recovery

 I didn't know wether to share this now or to have shared "after recovery". I relapsed badly with my eating disorder probably January 2023.

There were a few triggers to the "relapse". I have had my eating disorder years but there are times it is more manageable and times I struggle alot more. 

In 2022 I was feeling more mentally positive but was struggling with my eating disorder so after completing a 2 year therapy for personality disorders I got 10 sessions of cbt for eating disorders but I was told eat 3 meals 3 snacks but not what or how much and I got scared I couldn't trust myself to not eat too little leading to bingeing or eating too much to start with and so was scared I would gain more weight. So I found a meal replacement diet which was advertised as you could do an 800 calorie or 1200 calorie plan (rationally I knew both low really) I even kept telling people 800 was too low and I know even on 1200 calories I often feel unwell but I stuck the diet sensibly for 11 weeks and even allowed myself 1400 to 1600 calories on active days, I had 2 meal replacements a day, a 600 calorie main meal made up of pinch of nom recipes but also meals out, take aways or more unhealthy options just all calorie counted and in an evening I had a hot chocolate or cup a soup with biscuits or toast but some days did have things like crisps or chocolate just calorie counted. I lost 3 stone  but then the pressure of having less mental health support alongside going back to work part time in 2 jobs and taking on 3 volunteering jobs made my anxiety and depression worse and I couldn't stick to the " diet" anymore and was the start of my eating disorder spiralling.

At the beginning of 2023 I tried to go back to the calorie counting diet I did but a few things that were making me anxious and depressed triggered my eating disorder to the extent I took an overdose because I felt guilty about the calories in a yogert. 

The short story is since then I have struggled to get help for my eating disorder because I can only get mental health therapies for my personality disorders which cause me to self harm and become suicidal but my eating disorder makes all that worse so ideally I need help for it all together and I needed a dietitian who knows about eating disorders to help me meal plan in the right amounts etc. I was doing a therapy called DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) which is to help deal with emotions and interpersonal relationships etc that lead to self harm and other destructive behaviour and thoughts to help " find a life worth living" but my barrier was the guilt around eating all food which spirals between restricting (not eating) or bingeing and "purging" which I hate, I've put 2 stone back on since last year as my eating disorder switched from atypical anorexia to bulimia again. My eating disorder wants me to just not eat and lose weight but that makes the rest of my mental health worse and has just been making me physically and mentally unwell.

So I looked on Google and found a dietitian who specialises in eating disorders. I contacted her to have some 1 to 1 sessions to work on individual meal plans but it was expensive so I would have only been able to afford 4 sessions and the dietitian said she was starting a 12 week eating disorder group recovery course. I often struggle in groups because my anxiety makes me shy and struggle to talk it is also helpful being in a group with others struggling in a similar way to support each other.

So today was the beginning of week 1 of the recovery course. I'm worried about " recovery", I've often heard it said we don't choose to have an eating disorder but we " choose recovery", which I feel in some ways is true but it is hard to get past the barriers that caused the eating disorder to be able to just choose to recover and that's where ideally we should be able to get psychological and dietitian support at the same time but on the NHS there is no dietitian support unless your inpatient which is mostly for anorexia not bulimia or other eating disorders where the sufferer isn't a low weight.

For me my barriers are a fear of losing control over food when the rest of my life feels out of control and I feel a sense of achievement when I lose weight when I feel I'm not achieving anything else in my life. But from the course resources today it was interesting to learn that  "starvation syndrome" can also cause anxiety, depression, irritability, low self esteem etc. and can happen to anyone who is undernourished regardless of weight so even though with bulimia your not a low weight the physical and mental health risks are the same.

So the first part of recovery is to consistently eat regularly which sounds simple but weight doesn't determine what's going on mentally for someone with an eating disorder, for me there is an eating disorder " voice" / intrusive thoughts that won't allow me to eat, last year I totally restricted because of it but this year I end up having to give into hunger and being sick after eating. Both restricting and bingeing and purging make me feel ill so I often have to miss things I love like singing at choir or being safe to drive to get to see Warwick my horse. I know the last year I have lost alot of myself and I want positive, happy Tracy back. I don't think the 12 week recovery course will bring a full recovery but hopefully will help me regularly eat without being sick so I can hopefully be able to engage more with mental health therapy to deal with the underlying causes of my eating disorder to prevent relapsing again. 

Today has actually been a fairly good day of eating Because I've got a cold and trying to tell myself the mantra starve a fever, feed a cold so I've eaten little and often and despite drinking honey and lemon and orange juice which has calories in it, I have still allowed myself to eat too. Rome wasn't built in a day, I know there will be good and bad days and recovery is hard but I've got to keep trying....ALL FOOD IS GOOD FOOD