Haven't binged or purged since Saturday

 I started an eating disorder recovery course this week. I've been told the same as I've previously been told in CBT for eating disorders, eat 3 meals, 3 snacks and don't cut out any foods.

I think I have struggled with it before because haven't had a dietitian to check in with that I'm not eating too much or to reassure that I'm not going to gain loads of weight. It's hard because the eating disorder and my other mental health problems give me low self worth and I always feel I'm too fat and don't value myself or feel I'm achieving anything in life so losing weight becomes my focus and I guess also a way to deal with my anxiety and depression. 

It was interesting the dietitian gave us information about " starvation syndrome" which can be caused by any restrictive diet and purging regardless of weight and it causes anxiety, depression, irritability and you lose your "spark" and sense of humour. I feel since I've relapsed with my eating disorder I haven't been as positive. When my eating disorder is more under control I can manage my anxiety and depression better. 

I've partly not purged since Saturday because I'm full of a cold so it's harder ( which is a good thing....the being unable to purge....the cold isn't good) and so I'm trying to tell myself the saying starve a fever, feed a cold. I need my cold to go to get back to choir and to see Warwick.

It's not easy because the eating disorder is still telling me that all food is too much (normally it doesn't let me eat until I'm really hungry then I have to be sick when I have eaten). I've been able to challenge it a few times lately and have managed to eat with friends at the weekend even though I was anxious I tried to hide it.

I'm supposed to be doing meal plans of 3 meals 3 snacks and it's a work in progress, it's a battle to not restrict if haven't been sick the day before and I feel I've eaten too much and then when I do allow myself to eat I'm feeling more hungry but I added in a pudding of ice cream with my tea yesterday and actually allowing myself it I didn't want alot anyway and didn't binge on it.

Yesterday when I was struggling to eat the dietitian messaged me reminding me it's important to eat the 3 meals 3 snacks to have a structured routine and to have energy to function.

My meal structure isn't perfect but I'm proud I haven't binged or purged for nearly 4 days. Hopefully if I can stick it I will find my positive self back rather than being depressed and anxious often with suicidal thoughts.

I've got choir gigs and socials planned thus year and camping trips and other things to look forward to and it's a goal to do a sponsored swim starting in July which ties in with the end of the eating disorder recovery course so for now my goal is to get my physical health and fitness back and then hopefully get some support for my mental health to deal with the underlying causes of my mental health problems and ways to manage them.

2 years ago I was fatter but ironically was a period I was happier bur it was before I added in more life pressure too but its evidence that my weight and eating disorder isn't the only cause of how I feel about myself it's a symptom not a cause.....




 

 

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