Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 As long as I can remember, I can remember even as a child saying I hated life. I think back then it was sadness as I got bullied at school and never felt I fitted in. As I got older I developed deeper thinking.  I thought it was my fault my birth mum died so I deserved to die, I was depressed at having to live with an eating disorder and never going to get better from it, I got scared of my adoptive parents dying and believed it would be easier if I died so I didn't have to deal with them dying, I got scared of losing support and scared I couldn't cope alone, anxiety making me believe dying was going to be less scary than having to manage an adult life on my own. I still have these fears and beliefs, they never went and I believe I will die by suicide eventually but for now I live for other people, I stay alive mostly for my parents and Warwick and I try to make myself valuable at choir and work and volunteering to give myself reasons to stay alive. Am I a hypocrite writing s...

 I wish I could call a failed diet just that but I tried to recover from bulimia with a diet and then the diet has triggered bulimia again so now I'm stuck again. I thought my diet was the answer it told me what to eat and how much and I have been losing weight mostly in the proper way with some eating disorder behaviour but then the last few days bulimia has come back with a vengeance. For me by trying not to eat I end up bingeing then purging. I have never got comfort from food but some foods trigger me to binge when I eat them. I really think maybe I should do a complete meal replacement diet as then there won't be any trigger foods and then I don't know what calorie limit to do. I had 10 sessions of cbt for eating disorders and was told eat 3 meals and 3 snacks but wasn't told what to have and when and seeing someone for an hour for 10 sessions doesn't deal with every meal every day so now I'm having to do it on my own. I've been trying to get eating dis...

 On the 1st of August I started a diet just after finishing 10 sessions of CBT therapy for eating disorders. I have had some therapy for eating disorders in 2012 and was in an eating disorder clinic in 2010 so I know in theory to eat 3 meals, 3 snacks, don't cut out food groups and apparently we have a set point weight. However I have never been able to follow it for long enough with support to test that theory, the eating disorder " voice" always sabotaged it and I end up restricting then bingeing as get hungry and cave in then make myself sick to try compensate and my weight has yo yoed as an adult as the only way I could keep my weight low was to be sick every day after most meals, I know my body won't take much more of that so now I'm fat. A combination of after effects of years of bulimia,  mental health meds and water retention after having heart failure made me gain weight.  My head is constantly obsessed with how to avoid eating, how to lose weight but the...

 I'm always honest in my blog and I have always been open that bulimia has still been an issue for me, it's the one part of my mental health I've struggled to get on top of, it was where my mental health problems began and my self harm and suicide attempts were mostly linked to my eating disorder ( although there were other triggers too). I've managed not to self harm since Christmas and haven't taken any overdoses since 2018 and am proud of that as recently I have been putting more pressure on myself by doing some work again in care. I've just finished 10 sessions of CBT therapy for eating disorders and the focus was meant to have been on eating 3 meals and 3 snacks, not focusing on weight although weight loss could have happened as a result. But I didn't have a consistent meal plan and was still giving in to bingeing and purging sometimes. I did lose a stone but not in a consistent way and knew my therapy was coming to an end. Facebook advertised a diet to...

 I have had the 10 sessions of CBT therapy for eating disorders I was funded for but the therapist was concerned I was starting a meal replacement diet which is low calorie so is giving me an extra session next week then have a 4 week, 3 month and 6 month follow up I think. She was concerned I would become obsessed with calorie counting and feeling more guilty about food but I feel that anyway. The focus of eating disorder cbt isn't supposed to be on weight loss, but weight loss can be a result. Its supposed to be about following a structured meal plan without restricting, bingeing or purging (being sick), which is often a problem for me still, it's the one part of my mental health I haven't been able to get on top of, I can sit with the strong feelings to self harm which do often still get bad because they are linked to my eating disorder and not feeling good enough. But I think my focus on weight loss takes over when I'm feeling down on myself and having a confidence ...

 I've been having CBT for eating disorders for a while now, I've had 9 of 10 sessions then will have a 1 month and 3 month follow up. I was getting told to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks but as much as I tried as best I could I didn't fully stick to it, cycling between throwing half eaten meals away then bingeing.  I've been doing a sponsored swim and been quite active at choir, trips away and the stables so have lost weight but I haven't found a consistent way I trust. I have been told many times if you eat 3 meals and 3 snacks, don't cut out food groups, your body will find its set point weight but it takes a long time to find it so I'm scared to try it on my own as dont know exact portion sizes etc. So I've given in to a fad diet that keeps showing up as an advert on my Facebook (that's great that I put lots about eating disorders on my Facebook and blog yet Facebook has tried to sell me a diet). I normally do a monthly food shop and I got a cost of liv...

I started writing my blog as a way to help people understand mental health from a perspective of someone with eating and personality disorders. This post is about eating disorders and that is where all my mental health problems began. A few conversations recently made me think of it.  When people think of eating disorders though they think of someone who is visibly anorexic or think of someone bigger as "fat". But someone with anorexia has a " voice" that tells them not to eat, that they're too fat, not good enough at any weight someone will start with that voice at a normal or even overweight weight so long before they get to looking visibly anorexic. Some people fall into a category called eating disorder not otherwise specified if they have all the thinking and behaviour of an anorexic without being the low bmi. For me bulimia came in too. I had the voice telling me I couldn't eat but then I had to give into it, sometimes it was my rational self telling m...