My life journey ups and downs

 I feel frustrated I've not achieved much with my life. Confidence, not feeling good enough and mental health problems....all linked really held me back and I didn't get support throughout school for my eating disorder, social anxiety or struggling academically because I worked hard and was quiet  and passed exams and coursework no one noticed  but despite working hard and never getting into trouble I came out with 2 Cs and Ds at GCSE. It was only when I was at uni the 2nd time doing the access to nursing I was assessed as having dyslexia and dyspraxia.

I always loved animals and started horse riding when I was 13, nearly 14 but before that I rode at PGL when I was 10, cried the whole way around and said I would never go on a horse again lol. 

When I was about 12, I had always known I was adopted but learnt that my birth mum who had died not long after I was born had loved horses and a school friend had a pony I visited with her and I had a go at riding again at centre parcs with that friend and decided i wanted to learn to ride.

From the age of 12 I had wanted to follow in my Auntie's foot steps and be a children's nurse and was a St John ambulance cadet for my teenage years but bullying and lack of confidence with people made me decide I wanted to work with animals instead and wanted to do rescue and rehab work to give something back as horses literally saved my life through school, I had depression from a young age but my once a week riding lesson mostly on a horse called Moss got me through the weeks.

I started on a First Diploma in Animal care to get the GCSE level grades and then did a National Diploma in Animal care and then a HND in Horse studies because although I love small animals, horses are where my passion is. I did my college work placements at the riding school I learnt to ride at and was pretty useless to be honest, I'm a slow learner but then I got a horse on loan when I was 18 called Molly, I fell off her alot and even got an award for the most amusing dismount falling off on pretty much a whole course of showjumping on jumping nights when she cat leapt and my dyspraxia and lack of co ordination, balance and confidence meant I spent alot of time on the floor but although it's frustrating I've always struggled I'm also not a quitter. I was as useless at yard work or any work to be honest but when I had Molly I would volunteer and muck out stables and help on the yard and then did paid work at RG Equestrian and then Hill house too where I went for lessons to train for my BHS stage 1. I also then did a college work placement at Bransby horses which I loved and made me want to do that type of work more. I struggled to get any other part time work around college to start with at 16 as I was so quiet and nervous I could never get through an interview but then I did factory agency work where I made some good friends on a 6 to 10pm shift after college and gained confidence and worked at the riding  school on my days off and college and uni holidays.

I lived in halls at uni, I struggled socially and got bullied, friends on my course left the course and I struggled academically and struggled riding to the stage 2 level riding as I was scared of jumping but I had extra lessons with uni staff and a friend on another course and I put the work in and passed my HND and did even win a chase me charlie jumping competition and jumped 4 foot on a horse called Monkey business i had never ridden even though everyone predicted i would be first to be out. I had to do a resit of physiology which my mums friend helped me with to study as she had qualifications in human sports science and so there is an overlap. I often say my HND isn't worth anything as I was never good enough to use it to the management level it is meant to be at but I achieved all I had struggling with anxiety, depression and anorexia often only a tin of soup a day or a bread bun and hot chocolate and diet coke.

However after uni I went and worked at HAPPA in Lancashire. I told myself I had to eat to look after the horses well and went from 8 stone to 12 stone at 5ft 8. Despite my lack of confidence even to go in a shop on my own I moved to Lancashire on my own, in a shared house with strangers and travelled about on a moped. I stayed about 6 months but the boss told me I was too heavy to ride a big horse he had told me to get on to check it was safe for a work experience girl and he wasn't nice to the horses either often sawing at the horses mouths including his own to get them in an "outline" rather than properly. I told myself I couldn't eat again as eating had made me fat but I wouldn't eat all day but then would binge and purge every night and was bulimic. I was unhappy and lonely so I moved back home with my parents. I briefly considered giving up horses and thought I was only good enough to work in a fish factory packing fish a really boring job. I did that for a couple of years for an agency but went back to RG Equestrian to ride again and to work as well as at the factory and I did bank weekend work at Bransby horses and worked at the Ark a small animals rescue centre at one point too. I had always said I could never teach horse riding and when I first tried teaching no one could hear me and I would do stupid things like walk into the fence because I was nervous. However Rose the owner of RG Equestrian saw potential in me and I started teaching children on the Shetland pony and some disabled riders and started running a Saturday and Sunday club teaching children horse care and riding as well as other lessons. By then I obviously had my HND which is equivalent to BHS stage 4 on the care side and passed my BHS stage 2 eventually.  I had a couple of horses on loan but my heart horse Warwick came up for loan and teaching horse riding gave me the confidence to do care work and I worked as a support worker with adults with challenging behaviour because of mental health problems and learning disabilities and really enjoyed the work as we had a passionate manager, Amanda who was a learning disabilities nurse who taught me alot but there was always short staffing and it was also stressful so after 2 years my own mental health had got worse as I still had my eating disorder and by then was self harming too because of my eating disorder and depression and was signed off work for 3 months. I went back to care work at another learning disabilities home and continued teaching horse riding. I never claimed benefits as I was living at home and used my overdraft I still had on a post graduate account. I worked for 17 years despite my severe mental health problems and rarely had time off and never claimed benefits even though I had to have a pacemaker because my bulimia made a hereditary heart condition worse and in 2010 I was in an eating disorder clinic for 8 weeks but did agency care shifts whilst on home leave. I got no therapy for my eating disorder there though and still wanted to be a nurse, my ideal job would have been combining horses and mental health to be an equine therapist helping people through horses as it was horses especially my own Warwick who helped me the most with my mental health. Warwick was actually nervous and highly strung when I first knew him he had a reputation for being spooky and bolting but I learnt the calmer I was the calmer he was and we helped each other I will never love a horse the same way again. Anyway I did the year 0 foundation degree in hospital and healthcare the equivalent to what used to be the access to nursing and passed an interview and maths test to get a place at Hull to study mental health nursing as I already had enough UCAS points from my HND which had also included anatomy and physiology and other relevant skills and modules and I had years of care experience then mostly in mental health and learning disabilities and older people with dementia. However my own mental health got worse, I struggled more with my eating disorder and self harm and felt hopeless with no help and became severely suicidal and between 2012 and 2014 I took alot of overdoses. I did continue to work though as an agency carer and as a Navigo bank support worker. Warwick was always my reason to get help after I had impulsively acted on bad thoughts. In 2014 local services said they had exhausted all avenues of help and said they wouldn't admit me to the ward just to stay safe so I just had a care co ordinator and continued self harming, taking overdoses and had my bulimia. My mum found a therapeutic community in London that was centrally funded by the NHS but it was an open unit and treat personality disorders but not eating disorders and I wasn't safe in the community and I took more overdoses. My parents couldn't cope with my mental health at home anymore so I was homeless on the mental health ward. I pulled my hair out, was banging my head on walls and tied a severe ligature and was found unconscious so then was sectioned for a year often only 1 to 1 obsessed in anti ligature clothing with a bare room to keep me safe. I was still struggling with my eating disorder but was sent to a personality disorder locked unit in Mexborough for ladies with personality disorders and then I got meningococcal septicaemia and pneumonia and was in the high dependency unit and got scared of dying. I was safer but still had my eating disorder. I was discharged to an open rehab Hope court I struggled and relapsed with overdoses but over time got practical and emotional support to live more independently and to move to my own flat and Gardiner hill charity, a charity that helps people with mental health problems with independent living, training or education paid for me to do some training for my horse riding instructor exam and to do the exam and after 4 attempts I passed it all despite still having mental health crisis in between. I also did some of the training for it at Caistor Equestrian Centre in return for doing some teaching and then I taught Saturday club in return for riding vouchers rather than paid work as health means I am on benefits for limited capability to work. I stopped teachingvfor a while then as was still struggling with my mental health and I had support workers but was told despite struggling with my eating disorder and living independently and social anxiety if I didn't do a group therapy for personality disorders I would be discharged from services. So I did the therapy 3 days a week for 2 and a half years including on zoom through lockdown and I set myself goals of going back to work and losing support workers even though I had never lived independently since I was 21 due to mt mental health problems. In 2018 I had joined a choir one of the best decisions I made it opened my world to socialising and fitting in somewhere else other than mental health services and choir and support gave me the confidence to teach horse riding again teaching own a pony days which I did around therapy in school holidays and I then went back to agency caring. I enjoy working but struggle alot physically and mentally after years of eating disorders, overdoses and anxiety and depression so I only work part time and try to be the best I can be at the jobs I do. I enjoy teaching children not just to ride but to care for the horse and love the horses as much as the riding and to build relationships with horses built on kindness and trust like I had with Warwick and I enjoy caring for people although get frustrated that as an agency carer often working in places that are short staffed  I can't give the care I want to be able to but I do my best but I get frustrated you don't get chance to talk to residents other than when feeding them or washing them.

For a long time since i had my worst mental health crisis in 2015 I have kept going for Warwick, he has been my purpose and best friend and I didn't want to go on after he went. But although I'm devastated I lost him a week ago, I'm trying to focus on goals for now and got a bucket list book. They sound trivial goals most of them but I don't have the confidence or health for big life goals but I want to try enjoy some more life before I go and that includes time with horses, they will never be Warwick but I do love all horses and ponies too though.

Sorry that got a bit longer I feel I have to explain my life experiences to explain why I haven't achieved much.