Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

I was talking to a friend I was in hospital with back in 2015, i won't name them they know who they are obviously but it is their choice to share their story or not. I was in a locked hospital for ladies with personality disorders which basically we were all there as we managed negative emotions with self harm and suicide attempts.  My friend has been in hospital a long time, which as for myself was needed to help us stay alive which I for one am thankful for. My friend is struggling with suicidal and self harm thoughts, but I think if it has been a long term problem we will always have it. Recovery isn't a cure it is "finding a life worth living" despite it. Back in 2015 I never thought I would still be alive in 2020 planning my 40th birthday next year, to be fair i never planned on living past 28 (the year my birth mum died as a result of me being born). Back in 2015 I had staff with me 24 hours a day, in fact this time that year I was in anti ligature clothin...

I'm really struggling at the moment, not had a serious suicidal crisis that I've acted on for about a year and a half and I don't have any suicidal thoughts, but am struggling alot with anxiety, low mood and eating disorder and self harm thoughts (which are different to suicidal ones, self harm happens when your emotions basically explode out I guess is a way to explain it). I used to self harm alot, but over the last couple of years I rarely do apart from at times of stress. I'm trying to find other ways to deal with the situation but feelings can even be boredom, frustration, loneliness, anxiety and depression.  All which are being triggered being stuck in my flat 24 hours a day. I know everyone is in the same boat. I do try write a list daily of a few things I want to do and achieve that day, some days that works other days, especially the says where I haven't slept well the night before, I am literally just doing what I feel like doing, that might be a duvet d...

I'm trying to distract myself as much as I can whilst in lockdown, stuck in my flat 24/7. I've been writing a daily plan, that includes staying in bed for the morning, there have been some days I haven't been able to face the day due to low mood and guilt about wanting to eat so avoiding eating which rationally I always knows makes my mood worse. So I have been writing meal plans like I always do but sometimes I feel guilty eating anything so avoid it but then it gets to a point I'm that hungry I end up bingeing. So having to plan a month food shop is a nightmare, not only am I high risk if I get the virus because I have a heart condition but I also have anxiety so normally do my food shop with a support worker so even if I was going to physically risk going to the shop I wouldn't be able to. So anyway I tried to order my food shop online which is also another nightmare. Even at normal times, online shopping doesn't normally work for me, it sounds really pathe...

I was thinking back to a couple of years ago and how lonely and socially isolated I had become, the only people I was socialising with were paid support workers. I spent a year in a locked mental health hospital with limited access to the internet or phone and during that year all my old friends lives carried on and I was no longer a part of it. It's not anyones fault, at the age I am (nearly 40) people are generally married or in relationships, alot have kids, jobs and careers and busy lives. When I was in hospital and then the mental  health rehab I lived at after, I would often say to staff how I didn't have any friends I saw often and some would say they didn't see friends too...but were married or in a relationship. So I would then say precisely your not always on your own then are you. I got badly bullied at school, I know that sounds a long time ago but it did enough damage to learn not to trust people so I have never had relationships, and have only ever trusted a f...

Trying to be positive about the whole lockdown situation. I often feel lonely and socially isolated but that had been getting better lately and I had arranged to meet with some friends to go to the cinema and other stuff so I'm trying to stay positive that socially life will get better after we get through this pandemic. It is easier to try be more positive about the situation if I remind myself everyone is going through the same. Food is going to do my head in, my head always says all food is bad, and I hate myself for being fat all the time, I cant go out to exercise being stuck in I'm going to get even fatter. Some days I stay in bed to avoid food but then obviously end up eating at some point. When my mood goes really low and or I'm bored or lonely I find it harder to restrict and end up going the other way and bingeing.  My food shop isnt due for 2 more weeks, I have food in if it's a restrict week my head will constantly be reminding me there is stupid food in b...

I was at the group therapy I go to today and we were talking about whether we should self isolate etc. I have decided that because I am in the high risk category (I had heart failure and chronic kidney disease a few years ago and also had pneumonia that year too and was in high dependency unit) so I am going to take a break from the group therapy where there are 20 members plus staff and will just go to places with few people so I can still go and see Warwick my horse and go to my mum and dads and walk the dogs. I normally say how lonely and isolated I feel living on my own and rarely seeing friends, but it is better to be safe and physically well and alive than carry on as normal and potentially put myself and my parents who are older also with health problems at risk. I always said I deserved to be dead by the time I was 28 but I now want a life...I'm 40 in just under a year....I can't have survived numerous suicide attempts, heart failure, meningococcal septicaemia and pne...

This week is eating disorders awareness week and b-eat the national eating disorder charity runs helplines for sufferers and carers. I've suffered with eating disorders since I was about 12, I was 21 when I accepted it was a problem and needed help with it, not that asking for help actually got me the help I needed at that time. So it was my parents who supported me the most, it is not the easiest illness to deal with, the main thing we ever argued about was food if anyone confronted me about it, so I can't thank my parents enough for always sticking by me even at my worst. Fortunately we found a good eating disorder support group in Hull called SEED run by Marg and Den Oaten which support carers and sufferers of eating disorders and I'm so grateful for the support they gave us over the years that me and my mum went to the groups. When my bulimia was really bad and I still lived with my parents we even had a locked food cupboard that they kept sweets etc.  in as you bec...