Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 I started an eating disorder recovery course this week. I've been told the same as I've previously been told in CBT for eating disorders, eat 3 meals, 3 snacks and don't cut out any foods. I think I have struggled with it before because haven't had a dietitian to check in with that I'm not eating too much or to reassure that I'm not going to gain loads of weight. It's hard because the eating disorder and my other mental health problems give me low self worth and I always feel I'm too fat and don't value myself or feel I'm achieving anything in life so losing weight becomes my focus and I guess also a way to deal with my anxiety and depression.  It was interesting the dietitian gave us information about " starvation syndrome" which can be caused by any restrictive diet and purging regardless of weight and it causes anxiety, depression, irritability and you lose your "spark" and sense of humour. I feel since I've relapsed w

 I didn't know wether to share this now or to have shared "after recovery". I relapsed badly with my eating disorder probably January 2023. There were a few triggers to the "relapse". I have had my eating disorder years but there are times it is more manageable and times I struggle alot more.  In 2022 I was feeling more mentally positive but was struggling with my eating disorder so after completing a 2 year therapy for personality disorders I got 10 sessions of cbt for eating disorders but I was told eat 3 meals 3 snacks but not what or how much and I got scared I couldn't trust myself to not eat too little leading to bingeing or eating too much to start with and so was scared I would gain more weight. So I found a meal replacement diet which was advertised as you could do an 800 calorie or 1200 calorie plan (rationally I knew both low really) I even kept telling people 800 was too low and I know even on 1200 calories I often feel unwell but I stuck the die