Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 I go to a group therapy for people with personality disorders and am waiting to start a group for eating disorders but I need to work on all the negative self doubting thoughts I have, not just about food but myself in general.  We had some teaching on mentalization based Therapy today, I couldn't tell you alot of what was taught as I was stuck in my own Negative thoughts crying but then there was something in the teaching that made me realise its my own thoughts that make me feel worthless and I beat myself up over every little mistake I make, I don't expect anyone else to be perfect but I expect myself to be then get annoyed at myself when I'm not. I've lived my whole life feeling inferior to everyone else, but I've had times in my life I have been able to challenge it more, I've been to uni, I got accepted to train as a nurse so I have had periods I have managed to push myself through my self doubt academically and at work. Socially I've always felt I wa

 It's Saturday evening,  I'm home alone as too often usual, I'm bored and my parents are away for the weekend for my aunties birthday, im pleased they are enjoying a weekend away but I always worry about them when I don't talk to them which sounds stupid but it's my anxiety.  I've been feeling low for a few weeks, I mask it when I'm out and try put on a happy front and throw myself into positive things like choir and teaching horse riding trying to make myself feel useful and do enjoy it too, but about 5 weeks ago i got suspended from the group therapy I go to for some minor self harm ( there is a rule of suspension if you self harm there even if you dissociate and lose control at the time), as it was I had asked for some time off as I have been struggling alot with my physical health and feeling constantly tired which makes my mood low I had 2 restful weeks, then had a really good week teaching at the stables in half term then went back to the group therapy

 I was waiting in a queue in a local shop today, next to the magazine aisle, the majority of the magazines had headlines on the front about diets, images of celebrities who had lost weight, headlines such as " how I lost 5 stone" etc. Its not surprising so many people have eating disorders, I have friends suffering from eating disorders, some have died, trying to achieve that perfect body image we are all made to feel we should have to be accepted,  to be healthy,  it's not healthy to die from an eating disorder though is it due to trying to find any way to achieve that perfect body and even if we lose weight by starving,  obsessive exercise,  being sick, laxatives we are praised by medical professionals and society, its only when someone is emaciated that alarm bells ring, yet you can have that eating disorder voice at any weight that torments you for eating, yet even the magazines tell us we should be obsessing over our weight. We're made to feel we have to have a b