Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

It is a good thing I am scared of the covid 19, a few years back I was in such a dark place I didn't want to live anyway. In 2015 (my bad year) I had alot of physical health problems. I started the year with heart failure, my heart was only functioning at 20 percent, I was constantly coughing and out of breath and weak, I went to a singing group for older people with my dad and honestly the older people were fitter than me, I could barely sing and it's a helpful to be able to breath to be able to sing. At the time I had heart failure I wasnt scared of dying as mentally I was in a very dark place and was suicidal but physically it was frustrating that I was alive and having to live as a disabled person even though I was still trying to look after Warwick my horse I would collapse just trying to take him to the field as I could barely walk across my bedroom. Later in 2015 I was in a mental health hospital and I got meningococcal septicaemia and pneumonia and gallstones all at the

This may be long, I'm full of long stories and I suppose I feel like I have to justify why I don't work and why, but in that how I did work for 17 years and how I came to be on benefits, how I want to get back to work but the barriers I need to get over first(I write as a blogg post so it's not a long post on my Facebook feed then if anyone is interested they can read on). People that have only known me over the last couple of years probably think why do I one minute say  I want to get back to working in mental health and then say I want to get back to teaching horse riding but in the past I did do both at the same time. I always feel like I go back to my past to explain now...storytime...don't get too bored. Since I was about 12 or 13 I wanted to be a nurse and was in St John's ambulance cadets, I started horse riding which I loved and I also developed an eating disorder (so life was always a bit of a battle). I got bullied alot at school, I was really quiet an

For a few years I had become dependant on mental health workers for quite alot of support, socially and practically then last August I joined a group therapeutic community and I had told myself it was for 2 years full time and then another 2 years weekly support. So my plan before lockdown happened was to set myself social, and work goals. I was looking forward to doing more choir gigs, before I joined choir I literally only was socialising with support workers and was barely leaving my flat ( that is one reason I am struggling mentally as it has taken me back to that time and I can barely leave my flat....I can go to my mum and dads to walk the dogs and sit in the garden weather dependant, I can go and see Warwick my horse a couple of times a week but he lives in a field and I'm too big to ride him so I groom him 2 to 3 times a week which me and him both enjoy ...he deserves a bit of pampering in his old age). I want to eventually get back to helping other people but haven't w

So today I started another new diet, well an extension of every other way I seem to have tried this year. I write meal plans weekly, going through phases of they are a plan for "eating disorder recovery to get rid of the eating disorder voice" which would mean sticking to 3 meals, 3 snacks, not counting calories, not cutting out any food groups and accepting myself at the size I am. That doesn't work. I hated myself when I was literally half the weight I am now thinking I was too fat( I maintained a lower weight literally by starving myself, being sick, laxatives, diet pills and exercise...I never ate when I was at work....at one point I would go days without eating and have a Friday night "binge and purge session"...God knows how I managed to maintain working for the 17 years I did before my eating disorder made my physical and mental health so bad I couldn't work. I never wanted to give up work, work was my identity but I need to work on my issues so I can