Struggling but theres still a fight left in me
I constantly struggle with an eating disorder and the negative thoughts about myself that go with it, going through cycles of bingeing and purging or restricting with periods of semi normal eating or a conventional diet but the eating disorder behaviours always creep back in but I function with my eating disorder. The eating disorder voice is constant whatever weight and whichever cycle I'm in at the time and eating always causes anxiety and guilt ( which people can't visibly see if your not a low weight) but I try fight it. I set myself goals such as choir gigs, voluneer work and some part time work and I tell myself I have to eat to be safe to drive etc. Which I need to be able to do to see Warwick my horse, go to choir and go to work. But sometimes if my anxiety or depression get worse the eating disorder thoughts get darker and lead to self harming and suicidal thoughts which do scare me. They are always there in the background but when I'm in crisis it's like a co