Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 Another update, might as well keep updating on my recovery journey, barriers and hopefully getting some effective help. A couple of years ago the eating disorder service wouldn't see me saying I didn't have an eating disorder and it was all personality disorder,  invalidating any past assessments including I was in an eating disorder clinic in 2010, and had cbt for eating disorders in 2012. So I joined a therapy for personality disorders to deal with my other mental health problems in the hope I could then get help for my eating disorder.  For however long I can remember I've felt guilty Eating, bearing in mind I was never overweight until 6 years ago when mental health meds and other health problems caused me to gain alot of weight. In 2015 I was in a locked hospital with no access to food I was restricting some days having a jacket potato or slice of toast a day yet couldn't get below 15 stone, I definitely wasn't bingeing and if I ate more like brunch on a Satur

 I don't know where I would be without my choir now, up until 3 years ago when I first joined choir I was not in a good place mentally and still had alot of unsafe times with self harm and overdoses.  I think things do come into our lives for a reason, after a year in mental health hospitals in 2015 I lived at a mental health rehab where they help you live independently after being in hospital for a long time. I had said I enjoyed singing, I grew up singing in the church choir but then uni, work and horses took over and I didn't sing for years apart from in the shower lol then when I first stopped working because of my mental health I went to a singing group with my dad for older people but they let me join them and everyone was lovely but I also wanted to meet friends more my own age and be in an actual choir. It was by chance I found our choir "All For One choir" when I googled choirs in Grimsby. I think a year before I joined choir I had booked a taster session for

 If I could tell my 12 year old self one thing, it would be don't spend a lifetime hating yourself and your weight.  At 12 or even younger when my eating issues began I wasn't even fat, yet I think in my child's mind, I thought if I wasn't fat I would fit in more, at least I wouldn't be bullied for being fat, I think I got bullied just for existing or was made to feel that way, something that has stayed with me in adulthood despite meeting amazing, friendly people in my life, I have always worried about being judged and not fitting in. My eating disorder now doesn't even control my weight, a long time ago it just became like a constant voice, making me feel guilty about all food, worrying about eating too much, trying to stick to eating too little in the hope of controlling my weight or at least my guilty thoughts, which in the past led to alot of self harm, to punish myself for giving in and eating, which I now rarely do, and if I do it's when I get that up

 Today is World mental health day and the theme is mental health in an unequal World. I was thinking often people maybe think I overshare about my mental Health but unfortunately because I've been heavily involved in mental health services, and for alot of the time before I joined choir I was only socialising with other people with mental health problems and then mental health support workers I forget that something that seems minor to me and others who have been in similar situations, worries other people who aren't used to it, im glad there are people who haven't lived in that situation. I was in a locked hospital for ladies who had personality disorders but all had that diagnosis on a history of self harm and suicide attempts, usually caused by trauma in childhood. I'm proud I'm no longer in that situation, even in times of crisis now it ends in some minor self harm and struggling with my eating disorder and I forget "normal" people worry about self har

 My mental health has been up and down for years....the original cause was an eating disorder that started when I was 12 or before. I saw camhs briefly when I was 14 who didn't even acknowledge it despite me being referred there because of eating problems and then over the years once I admitted it was a problem, I've been classed as too high functioning, too complex, not having an eating disorder even despite having been in an eating disorder clinic, but even in there I got no actual therapy.  10 years after first asking my gp for help and being passed around various mental health professionals who had no clue about eating disorders I did finally see a good eating disorder therapist but only for 20 sessions of cbt for what then was a 10 year problem, it helped to an extent but I was supposed to get psychology too to deal with underlying problems too.  As time went on I was self harming and suicidal because of the eating disorder voice that takes over whatever your weight, that