Life is a journey not a destination so .....my story isn't over yet;...me

 On the 1st of August I started a diet just after finishing 10 sessions of CBT therapy for eating disorders. I have had some therapy for eating disorders in 2012 and was in an eating disorder clinic in 2010 so I know in theory to eat 3 meals, 3 snacks, don't cut out food groups and apparently we have a set point weight. However I have never been able to follow it for long enough with support to test that theory, the eating disorder " voice" always sabotaged it and I end up restricting then bingeing as get hungry and cave in then make myself sick to try compensate and my weight has yo yoed as an adult as the only way I could keep my weight low was to be sick every day after most meals, I know my body won't take much more of that so now I'm fat. A combination of after effects of years of bulimia,  mental health meds and water retention after having heart failure made me gain weight.  My head is constantly obsessed with how to avoid eating, how to lose weight but the

 I'm always honest in my blog and I have always been open that bulimia has still been an issue for me, it's the one part of my mental health I've struggled to get on top of, it was where my mental health problems began and my self harm and suicide attempts were mostly linked to my eating disorder ( although there were other triggers too). I've managed not to self harm since Christmas and haven't taken any overdoses since 2018 and am proud of that as recently I have been putting more pressure on myself by doing some work again in care. I've just finished 10 sessions of CBT therapy for eating disorders and the focus was meant to have been on eating 3 meals and 3 snacks, not focusing on weight although weight loss could have happened as a result. But I didn't have a consistent meal plan and was still giving in to bingeing and purging sometimes. I did lose a stone but not in a consistent way and knew my therapy was coming to an end. Facebook advertised a diet to

 I have had the 10 sessions of CBT therapy for eating disorders I was funded for but the therapist was concerned I was starting a meal replacement diet which is low calorie so is giving me an extra session next week then have a 4 week, 3 month and 6 month follow up I think. She was concerned I would become obsessed with calorie counting and feeling more guilty about food but I feel that anyway. The focus of eating disorder cbt isn't supposed to be on weight loss, but weight loss can be a result. Its supposed to be about following a structured meal plan without restricting, bingeing or purging (being sick), which is often a problem for me still, it's the one part of my mental health I haven't been able to get on top of, I can sit with the strong feelings to self harm which do often still get bad because they are linked to my eating disorder and not feeling good enough. But I think my focus on weight loss takes over when I'm feeling down on myself and having a confidence