An eating disorder is a mental illness...not a diet gone wrong...
I wish it was as easy as eat healthy and exercise...ask my family...I could tell you the calories in most items of food...how many calories exercise burns...but there is a voice that tells you how fat and worthless you are and how you don't deserve to eat so you restrict...only allowing yourself x amount of calories a day...the perfect day being one you have had zero...just pure water. Obviously rationally you know you need food to function and we all have a survival instinct so our body and brain rebels meaning restricting leads to bingeing which leads to guilt because you didn't stick to the perfect low calorie diet plan, which leads to purging to get rid of the excess calories. (Generally people think bulimia means making yourself sick, but in fact the word means "hunger of an ox"...which is the hunger caused by restricting and/or emotional eating.Purging is any compensatory behaviour to counteract the binge, that can be vomiting, laxatives, compulsive exercise and fasting...so a vicious cycle).
My food issues started when I was about 9...I would be sent in first sitting for school packed lunches because it took me a whole hour to eat 2 small sandwiches, a yogurt and a packet of crisps that I shared with the whole table anyway. A psychotherapist I once saw said subconsciously maybe I wanted to stay in the dinner room around the dinner ladies to avoid the bullying I got in the playground. When I was 12 my mum won slimmer of the year and everyone said how well she had done (which obviously she had) but in my mind I also thought I wasnt good at anything so maybe if I could be good at losing weight I could be good at something. I also watched a TV programme that had a girl who was anorexic on it and for some reason it all triggered something in me. The summer before I went to secondary school I went on a guide camp and I made friends with a girl who was going to the same school as me.We were both fussy eaters so we would hide food we didn't like behind the tent and the rebellious part of us at that age would laugh about it. I think it made me feel like I fitted in with someone I was a bit of a quiet "geek" so always struggled to fit in with people and make friends. So the eating disorder seed was planted. I spent my secondary school years avoiding meals as much as I could...I got banned from school dinners do my parents could monitor what I was eating more so I had to eat an evening meal but school days involved not eating or eating and being sick. Because I was never a low enough weight CAMHS wouldn't offer me any therapy and i just wanted to lose weight I didn't want anyone to intervene. I spent my college and university years restricting and bingeing...mostly restricting...I often had blue fingernails and was always freezing but I continued to work and study and as I was losing weight I didn't want anyone to stop me so I rarely went near a dr. When I finished university I got my dream job at a rescue centre for horses in Lancashire. I told myself I had to eat to be able to look after the horses well. So I ate...I dont know if I binged or just ate what I fancied when I wanted it. I do know that I put on weight...I wasnt overweight I went from about 9 stone to 12 stone...as my metabolism would have been slowed down from years of starvation diets I would have put on weight quickly. One day my boss told me to ride a horse to make sure it was safe for a work experience girl to ride, so I got on it...only for a short time but the boss was saying I was hurting it's back as I was too heavy...he had just told me to get on it and I know I wasnt as he wasnt a small horse but anyway it made me feel so guilty I told myself I wasnt allowed to eat for being too heavy on a poor horse. So I tried to not eat again but I would go all day without eating whilst doing a physical job looking after horses so I was starving on a night. I was also really unhappy as I didn't make any friends whilst I was working there I literally worked and went home. So I would end up buying lots of food on a night and spend my nights eating and throwing up...eating disorders arent in anyway glamorous they're pretty shit to be honest. I lived in a shared house with a student nurse and she guessed I was bulimic...we had a shared kitchen and bathroom so it was hard to hide. I moved back home with my parents and his it for ages...being sick in carrier bags in the garden or in the woods whilst taking the dog for a walk...like a said not glamorous at all. My mum came home one day and caught me. I went to my doctors and said I needed help for bulimia....the short story was I never got any that was in 2002. By 2007 my bulimia had made a hereditary heart condition worse and I was told by my heart consultant i was at risk of dying if i didn't have a pacemaker fitted. The only support i was getting was a good eating disorder support group in Hull SEED run by Marg Oaten and she helped my mum and dad complain about my lack of eating disorder help. In 2009 I finally got referred to Yorkshire Centre for Eating Disorders as an outpatient and the outpatient nurse said I was too severe for outpatient and needed 8 weeks inpatient. I was 10 stone 4 so not a low weight but was still at physical risk of dying. Because I wasnt on a weight gaining anorexia programme I was only offered 8 weeks inpatient and that involved bed and food and no other therapy as I was told I needed long term therapy in my local area...I had been sent out of area because locally no one was helping me. so I came home as bad as I went. I decided seeing as no one was helping me and I had continued working as a support worker up until that point...even doing agency care shifts whilst on leave from the eating disorder unit...I would try and train to be a mental health nurse. I told myself I wasnt allowed to be sick and I wasnt allowed to self harm. I did an access to nursing course and got accepted to university in Hull to do my nursing. But I got bullied on the access course and my sister found some birt uncles and that stirred up alot of emotions and I relapsed with my bulimia and self harm. I did my final assignment for the access course on the mental health ward. I got referred to an eating disorder nurse who was really good for CBT for eating disorders which helped to an extent but was only 20 sessions to deal with a 10 year plus problem and I was meant to get psychotherapy to deal with my underlying issues but the psychologist left and I got no further therapy. I then got suicidal and my self harm got really bad because of my bulimia and other underlying issues so then I got diagnosed with personality disorders and could only get therapy for that even though the cycle had become if I ate I had to punish myself for eating so I would eat, be sick and self harm to punish myself for giving into eating. The only thing that shut up the eating disorder voice was to overdose. .by then I had thoughts that I deserved to be dead anyway and I took 60 overdoses in a year and local mental health services said they had exhausted all avenues with me it was my choice to kill myself. My mum found a therapeutic community in London for people with personality disorders but I knew it wouldn't help my eating disorder but I got referred there. By the time I was going there I had heart failure...64 co codamol had caused my heart to become enlarged causing my pacemaker wire to fall out and damaging my heart. I was breathless and constantly coughing...I couldn't even groom Warwick without sitting down and my gp tried to tell me it was anxiety. Luckily the resilient part of me pushed to see my heart consultant who diagnosed heart failure and my heart was only functioning at 20 percent. I think God has definitely been looking after me as he obviously doesnt want me up there yet. I took more overdoses and left London and then got admitted to the local acute ward where I was sectioned for being suicidal but even though I wasnt eating for days at a time and was being sick when I did and said I was suicidal because of my eating disorder voice I was told I didn't have an eating disorder by some staff and the ones who tried to say I did weren't listened to so I went to a locked rehab for ladies with personality disorders but kept getting told they didn't treat eating disorders but if I stopped my suicides attempts I would get better support in the community for my eating disorder. I got no therapy there but when I was leaving a psychologist came who said I had eating disorders and depression as well as avoidant and dependant personality disorders with borderline traits. I got discharged back to the community but my bulimia never went for alot of the time I was being sick numerous times a day and obsessively exercising but the last year has been more a cycle of restricting because I feel guilty eating anything so obsessive calorie counting and low calorie diet plans that lead to bingeing...not even big binges as I dont have alot of spare money...my mum took over my budgeting and has my bank card so I cant buy binge food apart from when i go short on gas or electric so I didn't get overweight because I suddenly ate tonnes. Mirtazapine an antidepressant caused me to gain about 4 stone and the heart failure and kidney disease cause water retention so I'm finding it so hard. I stopped taking mirtazapine myself as the weight gain was making me more depressed and I have lost nearly 2 stone but now that has plateaued. The only help I can get is a group therapeutic community for personality disorder which will help some stuff but not my eating disorder so I asked my gp to refer me to a dietitian but apparently you need a special eating disorder one but eating disorder services wont treat anyone who has personality disorders unless they are low weight anorexic. Slimming world and weight watchers arent suitable if you have a history of an eating disorder especially if you still have one so all I can do is my best on my own. I'm doing a sponsored swim soon so will need to eat enough to be able to do it for charity and I try not to be sick much as it affects being able to sing properly for choir. I guess we have to find our own resilience. Eating disorder CBT tells us to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks and then our body has a set point weight that is the bodies natural weight which could be a high weight. I just want to horse ride again but feel it is a losing battle definitely in the long term...I can use quick fixes but nothing maintainable...
My food issues started when I was about 9...I would be sent in first sitting for school packed lunches because it took me a whole hour to eat 2 small sandwiches, a yogurt and a packet of crisps that I shared with the whole table anyway. A psychotherapist I once saw said subconsciously maybe I wanted to stay in the dinner room around the dinner ladies to avoid the bullying I got in the playground. When I was 12 my mum won slimmer of the year and everyone said how well she had done (which obviously she had) but in my mind I also thought I wasnt good at anything so maybe if I could be good at losing weight I could be good at something. I also watched a TV programme that had a girl who was anorexic on it and for some reason it all triggered something in me. The summer before I went to secondary school I went on a guide camp and I made friends with a girl who was going to the same school as me.We were both fussy eaters so we would hide food we didn't like behind the tent and the rebellious part of us at that age would laugh about it. I think it made me feel like I fitted in with someone I was a bit of a quiet "geek" so always struggled to fit in with people and make friends. So the eating disorder seed was planted. I spent my secondary school years avoiding meals as much as I could...I got banned from school dinners do my parents could monitor what I was eating more so I had to eat an evening meal but school days involved not eating or eating and being sick. Because I was never a low enough weight CAMHS wouldn't offer me any therapy and i just wanted to lose weight I didn't want anyone to intervene. I spent my college and university years restricting and bingeing...mostly restricting...I often had blue fingernails and was always freezing but I continued to work and study and as I was losing weight I didn't want anyone to stop me so I rarely went near a dr. When I finished university I got my dream job at a rescue centre for horses in Lancashire. I told myself I had to eat to be able to look after the horses well. So I ate...I dont know if I binged or just ate what I fancied when I wanted it. I do know that I put on weight...I wasnt overweight I went from about 9 stone to 12 stone...as my metabolism would have been slowed down from years of starvation diets I would have put on weight quickly. One day my boss told me to ride a horse to make sure it was safe for a work experience girl to ride, so I got on it...only for a short time but the boss was saying I was hurting it's back as I was too heavy...he had just told me to get on it and I know I wasnt as he wasnt a small horse but anyway it made me feel so guilty I told myself I wasnt allowed to eat for being too heavy on a poor horse. So I tried to not eat again but I would go all day without eating whilst doing a physical job looking after horses so I was starving on a night. I was also really unhappy as I didn't make any friends whilst I was working there I literally worked and went home. So I would end up buying lots of food on a night and spend my nights eating and throwing up...eating disorders arent in anyway glamorous they're pretty shit to be honest. I lived in a shared house with a student nurse and she guessed I was bulimic...we had a shared kitchen and bathroom so it was hard to hide. I moved back home with my parents and his it for ages...being sick in carrier bags in the garden or in the woods whilst taking the dog for a walk...like a said not glamorous at all. My mum came home one day and caught me. I went to my doctors and said I needed help for bulimia....the short story was I never got any that was in 2002. By 2007 my bulimia had made a hereditary heart condition worse and I was told by my heart consultant i was at risk of dying if i didn't have a pacemaker fitted. The only support i was getting was a good eating disorder support group in Hull SEED run by Marg Oaten and she helped my mum and dad complain about my lack of eating disorder help. In 2009 I finally got referred to Yorkshire Centre for Eating Disorders as an outpatient and the outpatient nurse said I was too severe for outpatient and needed 8 weeks inpatient. I was 10 stone 4 so not a low weight but was still at physical risk of dying. Because I wasnt on a weight gaining anorexia programme I was only offered 8 weeks inpatient and that involved bed and food and no other therapy as I was told I needed long term therapy in my local area...I had been sent out of area because locally no one was helping me. so I came home as bad as I went. I decided seeing as no one was helping me and I had continued working as a support worker up until that point...even doing agency care shifts whilst on leave from the eating disorder unit...I would try and train to be a mental health nurse. I told myself I wasnt allowed to be sick and I wasnt allowed to self harm. I did an access to nursing course and got accepted to university in Hull to do my nursing. But I got bullied on the access course and my sister found some birt uncles and that stirred up alot of emotions and I relapsed with my bulimia and self harm. I did my final assignment for the access course on the mental health ward. I got referred to an eating disorder nurse who was really good for CBT for eating disorders which helped to an extent but was only 20 sessions to deal with a 10 year plus problem and I was meant to get psychotherapy to deal with my underlying issues but the psychologist left and I got no further therapy. I then got suicidal and my self harm got really bad because of my bulimia and other underlying issues so then I got diagnosed with personality disorders and could only get therapy for that even though the cycle had become if I ate I had to punish myself for eating so I would eat, be sick and self harm to punish myself for giving into eating. The only thing that shut up the eating disorder voice was to overdose. .by then I had thoughts that I deserved to be dead anyway and I took 60 overdoses in a year and local mental health services said they had exhausted all avenues with me it was my choice to kill myself. My mum found a therapeutic community in London for people with personality disorders but I knew it wouldn't help my eating disorder but I got referred there. By the time I was going there I had heart failure...64 co codamol had caused my heart to become enlarged causing my pacemaker wire to fall out and damaging my heart. I was breathless and constantly coughing...I couldn't even groom Warwick without sitting down and my gp tried to tell me it was anxiety. Luckily the resilient part of me pushed to see my heart consultant who diagnosed heart failure and my heart was only functioning at 20 percent. I think God has definitely been looking after me as he obviously doesnt want me up there yet. I took more overdoses and left London and then got admitted to the local acute ward where I was sectioned for being suicidal but even though I wasnt eating for days at a time and was being sick when I did and said I was suicidal because of my eating disorder voice I was told I didn't have an eating disorder by some staff and the ones who tried to say I did weren't listened to so I went to a locked rehab for ladies with personality disorders but kept getting told they didn't treat eating disorders but if I stopped my suicides attempts I would get better support in the community for my eating disorder. I got no therapy there but when I was leaving a psychologist came who said I had eating disorders and depression as well as avoidant and dependant personality disorders with borderline traits. I got discharged back to the community but my bulimia never went for alot of the time I was being sick numerous times a day and obsessively exercising but the last year has been more a cycle of restricting because I feel guilty eating anything so obsessive calorie counting and low calorie diet plans that lead to bingeing...not even big binges as I dont have alot of spare money...my mum took over my budgeting and has my bank card so I cant buy binge food apart from when i go short on gas or electric so I didn't get overweight because I suddenly ate tonnes. Mirtazapine an antidepressant caused me to gain about 4 stone and the heart failure and kidney disease cause water retention so I'm finding it so hard. I stopped taking mirtazapine myself as the weight gain was making me more depressed and I have lost nearly 2 stone but now that has plateaued. The only help I can get is a group therapeutic community for personality disorder which will help some stuff but not my eating disorder so I asked my gp to refer me to a dietitian but apparently you need a special eating disorder one but eating disorder services wont treat anyone who has personality disorders unless they are low weight anorexic. Slimming world and weight watchers arent suitable if you have a history of an eating disorder especially if you still have one so all I can do is my best on my own. I'm doing a sponsored swim soon so will need to eat enough to be able to do it for charity and I try not to be sick much as it affects being able to sing properly for choir. I guess we have to find our own resilience. Eating disorder CBT tells us to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks and then our body has a set point weight that is the bodies natural weight which could be a high weight. I just want to horse ride again but feel it is a losing battle definitely in the long term...I can use quick fixes but nothing maintainable...
Comments
Post a Comment