Hopefully new beginnings....aiming for life to begin at 40...

I know I have been very open in this blogg with my story of the past. I felt I had to tell my story especially for people who have known me more recently. I feel that my life stopped about 5 years ago because of my mental health and I feel ashamed and embarrassed of the way my life went and felt that my story explains why I don't work, why I'm single and have no kids and i feel it looks like i haven't achieved anything with my life. I feel that the last 5 years of severe and enduring mental health problems has over ridden any good I did before then. I did work for 17 years ...10 years as a support worker for adults with mental health problems and learning disabilities, I taught horse riding for 4 years (at the same time as doing care work) and times I didn't have other work I did factory work. I feel my life came to a standstill but I guess the achievement is my life didn't stop. MY STORY ISN'T OVER YET;....

At the moment I have half goals I want to achieve (I want to achieve them but fear of failure and other barriers mean I don't fully believe they are achievable....YET...). I have started a 2 year therapy program and part of it is goal setting. I need to start with smaller goals before I can achieve the bigger ones. For the next 12 weeks I had made my own goals. They include the sponsored swim I'm doing 22 miles in 12 weeks. I had told myself I had to eat healthily to do the swim. To do that I need to try and forget trying to lose weight and just look at food as fuel to do the swim...(in my eating disorder mind that isnt going to be as simple as it sounds. I have booked a drs appointment to get my bloods checked and to ask again to be referred to a dietitian or any other advice. That ties in with one of my other big goals was to do my British horse society stage 3 riding instructor exam. The barriers to that are weight related as I'm too heavy to ride so cant do the riding part of the exam and financially at the moment but I'm still aiming to achieve it before I'm 40.....the year my 2 year therapy will finish (there is then a 2 year leavers program 1 day a week).I also miss supporting other people as a support worker but at the moment still need alot of support myself...which I'm scared of losing but I keep seeing other people with similar issues to mine starting their mental health nursing (which is what I wanted to do....but physically and mentally don't feel I could do it now...
I don't want my blogg to be negative anymore as i want it to be moving forward not backwards....the other parts of my blogg were to give the background story but i won't let my past define me....

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