Diets trigger eating disorder relapses....when will I learn...regular eating is the sensible way forward...

A "recovered" alcoholic, will always be an alcoholic they say. As in they will always have to fight to remain abstinenent. One drink could be the trigger for a relapse. The same goes for eating disorders. For me I try to convince myself I will be able to stick to the latest fad diet or my own restrictive diets, trying to convince myself that it won't trigger the eating disorder "voice". But then I remind myself the voice never went. I fight days where the "voice" tells you you don't deserve to eat or the only way to lose weight is to not eat. Yes you can have a life where you don't eat, meaning having to stay in bed or at least a hermit in your flat as your too weak and emotional to go out or if you do that and have a productive busy day, you will have a migraine and feel really ill. I still have those days and then even the things I enjoy on them days such as choir, seeing Warwick and swimming arent as enjoyable.That's not the life I want to live anymore after 17 years, enough is enough that life of restricting, bingeing and purging, which I convinced myself was a normal innocent diet is what led to my decline of physical and mental health and having to spend time in hospitals and having to stop working.That however is easier said than done. There are 2 main triggers to my eating disorder, the one which is easier to control in some ways is to avoid dieting, which is hard in a society that promotes thinness and fat shames bigger people. You don't have to be a size 10 or lower to look good, in fact I used to think an "anorexic low weight would be my ultimate achievement " but i know people with anorexia at best look old and haggard and Ill at best and at worst have died. There is more to life than weight loss goals. However my other trigger which is a psychological one  is feeling not good enough in nearly every life situation and then the only thing you feel you can control is your weight. In an eating disorder mindset you convince yourself that being thin means being socially accepted, in reality the way the eating disorder takes hold makes you less socially accepted and the social anxiety you had before becomes entwined with anxiety about eating and drinking, which ironically in a society that promotes thinness, eating and drinking make up a big part of socialising. I have spent the best part of the last 5 years so stuck in my mental illnesses that socialising became near impossible. I am trying to fix that but it has been hard and is a work in progress, I hate anxiety and often used to avoid anxiety provoking situations but now I'm thinking "face the fear and do it anyway".
Anyway the bit of eating disorder CBT therapy I had for eating disorders, taught me to have 3 meals and 3 snacks and don't cut out food groups including some "unhealthy" snacks as part of a balanced diet.I have been trying variations of that all year but there has been the special k diet version which kind of worked, I did lose weight on it but blood sugar levels were up and down on it. I have tried more varied versions of it but I never know if I'm having too much or too little. Feeling Ill normally reminds me when it's too little but normally too late in the day to change it. My gp referred me to a dietitian to help me do structured meal plans with them however they are now saying they don't see people with eating disorders and they recommend seeing the eating disorder services.  But they won't see me because they say my mental health problems are too complex for them even though my mental health got complex because of my eating disorder in the first place. So I will try myself.....again....I'm hoping if I can get it right I can get into a consistent meal plan and control my weight, starting with a whole week of having no days of restricting and eating regularly every day to give me the energy to finish my sponsored swim then going to do a special k version but not too low calorie and exercising in the gym. I'm hoping this can work....