Moods are a rollercoaster with personality and eating disorders...

Yesterday morning I was awoken by my neighbour who came back at 6am drunk. I was a bit annoyed that he had woken me up ringing my buzzer to let him in but I was also on a high. Some days I can be on a high almost hypo manic. So I was on a mission of writing out my weeks meal plan which in my high mood I was convinced I could stick to...a special k diet as I feel I really need to lose weight (I will write how this failed later). I wrote a list of goals for now and bigger long term goals and at the time felt life is amazing. The goals are realistic...well partly but not the ones that are the bigger issue. The smaller goals actually sound a bit pathetic.  Having a shower 3 days minimum a week. (When your depressed and unmotivated you don't value yourself enough to look after yourself properly). This is one area I struggled with even when I was working. Dry shampoo, good deodorant and clean clothes and hair tied back mean to the outside world you look presentable...to a mental health professional...even high functioning. In my goals I said I still want to aim to do my nursing or at least work back in care but to make nursing an option I need a GCSE in maths as the level 2 maths qualifications I have run out after 3 years but a GCSE doesnt so it's worth having under my belt....I will do that next September. I also want to do some sort of voluntary work in care after Christmas just one day a week.  But work and academic goals were always easier for me to achieve than social and independence goals. I struggle with feeling "not good enough" with work and academic goals but I always pushed myself and if I fail something I try until I pass. But socially I always feel I don't fit in so i get really anxious and upset with myself....that is a barrier even in a work environment.
So going back to my meal plan goal. I have been trying and failing at meal plans since January...it is now November so nearly a year. That is because I do meal plans based on wanting to lose weight. But I also know that slimming restricting diets trigger bulimia. Non eating  disorder specialists don't get this. They will just see an overweight person who needs to lose weight so offer to help to do a "traditional slimming diet.". I know all about what the main food groups are, how many calories you're meant to eat a day etc...etc. However the CBT therapy I had for bulimia taught to have 3 meals and 3 snacks and don't cut out any food groups. RESTRICTING LEADS TO BINGEING.  I know this yet I still have the strong thought to do a low calorie special k diet and do it. Until I have a migraine and am an emotional wreck by the afternoon due to low blood sugar. So yesterday that's exactly what happened by the afternoon at therapy I was crying over hating being fat and being emotional because I can't stick to a diet to lose weight.  I was also upset as I was going to the gp to talk about the dietitian now not able to see me due to me having an eating disorder so they had recommended me seeing the eating disorder services who won't help me saying I never had an eating disorder...despite me being under their services before as well as being in an out of area eating disorder clinic....which did help me in some ways. Not from an emotional perspective...that is what I now get at the therapeutic community  but when I have been under eating disorder services it helped having someone to help enforce not following a slimming diet and seeing food as medicine but trusting that they can help you adjust your portion sizes etc. So you can trust your not going to gain loads of weight. 
On my positive days with eating when I fight the eating disorder voice and try think of eating disorder recovery (which at least to start with can't be to lose weight it's to aim to get to your bodies own set point weight...some peoples set point weight will be higher based on bone structure, muscle tone etc. ). I had told myself that after my sponsored swim I was going to stick to regular exercise..mostly swimming but to include the gym to tone up as I want to look ok in my ball dress for the choir Christmas ball.  On my good days I can accept that if I eat regularly and exercise regularly I will look ok. However my eating disorder mind tells me I need to lose weight because I hate how I feel as fat as I am.
Tomorrow I will try again. I was emotional for a few reasons.  I have lost my voice so couldn't go to choir. I was emotional because my blood sugar was low from restricting too much with the special k diet and then I ended up buying crap binge food anyway. So moral of that story is don't restrict tomorrow. I need to eat enough to fight stupid infections I keep getting so I can get back swimming etc. Rome wasn't built in a day but if I keep trying hopefully one day I will get it right. Is being overweight the worst thing you can be...I wasn't healthy at a size 10 as I was being sick every day so I'm actually healthier now...so no IM NOT GOING TO LET MY WEIGHT DEFINE ME...