Life feels at a standstill....planned goals up in the air...

For a few years I had become dependant on mental health workers for quite alot of support, socially and practically then last August I joined a group therapeutic community and I had told myself it was for 2 years full time and then another 2 years weekly support. So my plan before lockdown happened was to set myself social, and work goals. I was looking forward to doing more choir gigs, before I joined choir I literally only was socialising with support workers and was barely leaving my flat ( that is one reason I am struggling mentally as it has taken me back to that time and I can barely leave my flat....I can go to my mum and dads to walk the dogs and sit in the garden weather dependant, I can go and see Warwick my horse a couple of times a week but he lives in a field and I'm too big to ride him so I groom him 2 to 3 times a week which me and him both enjoy ...he deserves a bit of pampering in his old age). I want to eventually get back to helping other people but haven't worked for 6 years, I dont know where the years have gone, I have spent the last 10 years in and out of hospitals and have been heavily involved in mental health services so it is going to be hard to make that transition back. When I was working I was open about my mental health, I have bad self harm scars on my arms which even if I wear long sleeves there are times as a carer you have to have your sleeves slightly up such as washing pots or helping people with personal care, in hot weather I would sometimes wear support bandages.  The difference then was I had consistently worked for 17 years and even though I had my eating disorders I rarely had time off ill I was good at hiding it at work and I was good at my job, I love caring for others, just not so good at caring for myself....I need to be at a point of being able to look after myself and manage myself emotionally before I can be fit to work again that is part of what I'm working on. Over the last few years my physical and mental health have took a battering, self harm and suicide attempts have left lasting physical health problems, I had heart failure and heart function is still below normal and I have chronic kidney disease so I get tired easily even a day doing voluntary work leaves me in bed for a couple of days after. (I have so many regrets of the past few years, paracetamol is so dangerous and taken in overdoses causes so much damage and often a long painful death). I am now at a point I don't want to die even on my lowest days and the voice that told me I deserved to die is quieter so is easier to fight.
When I was working my feeling not good enough made my self harm and eating disorders worse as I would punish myself for everything i thought i hadn't done good enough at work or college so that is something else i need to be able to manage.  There is also still a stigma about mental health problems although alot less but when I worked before I could say that although I had my problems I was good at my job and my mental health didn't affect that. I now can't exactly go to an employer and say can i have a job and back that up with saying my mental health problems won't affect me they affect me alot still also i wouldn't have the confidence i had then. I was never confident but was good at pretending to be, people who knew me at work knew me as smily, bubbly and confident apart from when I was really tired after doing alot of shifts then I was more emotional.
I need to do some voluntary work and my dream jobs would be either working with young people with mental health problems or a teaching assistant although care work in general would be good. I wouldn't aim for nursing again as the pressure I was putting on myself contributed to my year long mental health crisis. So during lockdown any plans to volunteer are on hold because physically I am high risk if I got the virus so am trying to minimally go out. Also I am doing a distance learning course in child and adolescent mental health which I have nearly finished, I passed part a but can't hand in parts b or c until the college reopens. The therapeutic community and choir are both on zoom which I find hard, i hate what i look like and I normally like to hide behind other people not be fully on view on a camera but for the situation we are in it is better than not having them at all a d I am thankful for technology but am really missing people so much. I have a couple of friends I talk to on messenger and zoom but am missing even just being able to meet people for a coffee or to go to the cinema.  I am also missing swimming as with the situation and being stuck at home with my thoughts 24 7 and few distractions my eating disorder thoughts are so strong. I thought if I got advice from "normal " people who don't have eating disorders I would be able to do a rational sensible diet but I have been reminded it just spirals my bulimia out of control and makes my physical and mental health problems worse. So I'm going to stick to my special k diet having the planned meals and snacks but not calorie count and go by what I physically feel like, if I have headache and am feeling dizzy obviously I need more food. So for now will just keep plodding on, the situation won't be forever and hopefully we will all come out of it safely.