Living the best life with my choir family

 I don't know where I would be without my choir now, up until 3 years ago when I first joined choir I was not in a good place mentally and still had alot of unsafe times with self harm and overdoses. 

I think things do come into our lives for a reason, after a year in mental health hospitals in 2015 I lived at a mental health rehab where they help you live independently after being in hospital for a long time. I had said I enjoyed singing, I grew up singing in the church choir but then uni, work and horses took over and I didn't sing for years apart from in the shower lol then when I first stopped working because of my mental health I went to a singing group with my dad for older people but they let me join them and everyone was lovely but I also wanted to meet friends more my own age and be in an actual choir. It was by chance I found our choir "All For One choir" when I googled choirs in Grimsby. I think a year before I joined choir I had booked a taster session for our choir and a support worker was going to come with me but Cleethorpes choir was in the process of looking for a new leader I think so my taster session was cancelled and then for a while I daren't rebook because of my anxiety. 

Then in 2018 I finally plucked up the courage to book a taster session and found out my friend at the stables was in the choir so I sat with her in the alto section on my first session ( if I hadn't known anyone I would probably have tried soprano as that is what I sung when I was younger in the church choir but am glad I stuck with alto as I struggle to sing higher now). My friend introduced me to her friend and she took me under her wing especially at gigs.

When I first joined I was so nervous, quiet and shy and hid on the back row and sung really quietly constantly asking my friend if I was in tune. I daren't do any gigs because I worried I wouldn't be good enough at knowing the songs and the harmonies. The first gig I did was Christmas 2018, we had to wear white which looked really effective but I felt out of my comfort zone, I didn't eat all day due to nerves and often not eating all day, I absolutely loved the gig but was really ill with a migraine at the end and was sick when I got home. Since then I always eat if I'm doing a gig although I still struggle eating with other people most of the time I have to make myself do it so I'm safe to drive and to enjoy the gig.

If I'm honest in 2019 I did still have strong suicidal thoughts due to my own underlying issues so I literally planned 2019 week by week, choir gigs, volunteering at a horse charity and fun things with friends including going to alto towers and a camping trip and I got through 2019 and was really positive, we had a choir ball and I felt choir is the first place I have fitted in and been accepted and for a long time not just known as Tracy with the mental health problems, which had taken over my identity. 

When lockdown first happened in 2020 I was worried about the social isolation, not being together at choir, but then we had the gift of zoom. To start with I was nervous turning my camera on and talking but as time went on I think we grew closer as a choir across the different choirs in the region (there are choirs in Hull, Beverley,  Market weighton,  Driffield and Cleethorpes) we had social nights and talent nights and encouraged each other and all of us who took part grew in confidence,  I never thought I would ever dare sing in front of anyone but once everyone had heard me sing on videos and I got positive feedback I felt more confident, and dared to do a solo when we got back to live choir.

In lockdown I got used to doing choir on zoom 3 times a week and it was a godsend as otherwise I would have been totally on my own, as I was singing so much I think I improved in lockdown and feel more confident at live choir now. Focusing on choir and learning the songs gives me a break from my mental health problems and negative thoughts I often have about myself and everyone at choir has been so supportive. 

I'm still trying to get to 3 sessions a week, as it's nice to see friends I've made in lockdown in other choirs and enjoy singing together and do gigs together again, and it helps my mental health so much especially on bad days. You can't beat the buzz you get off a live gig and everyone's energy. Last night we did our first professional gig back since before lockdown and sung with Paul Carrick and I felt so proud to be part of it, im thankful to our choir leaders who have kept us together as without choir I would probably still be in a dark place, singing together in a choir is the best therapy.

I feel choir has given me self belief again and I feel I have personally achieved more than I thought I could, I have really bad social anxiety but everyone at choir is so friendly and supportive I feel less anxious,  I have some days where my anxiety is worse than others but I can manage it alot better than I used to, in the past I would avoid any situation that would cause me to feel anxious but I push myself now even on my bad days. I would definitely recommend joining a choir, it has given me a more positive focus than I had before and has given me the confidence with the rest of my life to, I'm still in therapy for my mental health but have nearly finished a 2 year full time therapy program 3 days a week for personality disorders then next year I will just have therapy once a week leavers program and have also been referred for therapy for my eating disorder which was the original mental health problem I started off with which then escalated the rest of my mental health problems. I am aiming to get back to work as a support worker in mental health or learning disabilities which is what I used to do, I was going to train as a nurse but I think it was too ambitious with my anxieties but I can still make a difference as a support worker. I also enjoy teaching horse riding and am teaching at the riding school when they need me as holiday and sickness cover and teach school holiday activities which I really enjoy doing.

Looking forward to more positive times to come, we have lots of Christmas gigs to look forward to this year which will be nice as last year we had to have a virtual online concert, and hopefully a choir tour in the future, covid may still be around but life is getting alot more normal with precautions.








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