Living with an eating disorder, and the health effects
If I could tell my 12 year old self one thing, it would be don't spend a lifetime hating yourself and your weight.
At 12 or even younger when my eating issues began I wasn't even fat, yet I think in my child's mind, I thought if I wasn't fat I would fit in more, at least I wouldn't be bullied for being fat, I think I got bullied just for existing or was made to feel that way, something that has stayed with me in adulthood despite meeting amazing, friendly people in my life, I have always worried about being judged and not fitting in.
My eating disorder now doesn't even control my weight, a long time ago it just became like a constant voice, making me feel guilty about all food, worrying about eating too much, trying to stick to eating too little in the hope of controlling my weight or at least my guilty thoughts, which in the past led to alot of self harm, to punish myself for giving in and eating, which I now rarely do, and if I do it's when I get that upset I end up crying, then dissociating and losing control but thankfully that rarely happens now. It's usually worse if I'm tired or physically unwell as it becomes harder to fight negative intrusive thoughts. These are called vulnerability factors.
The other night I literally woke up crying, worrying I had literally tripled in size, I literally was convinced I had, I end up then worrying about how chaotic my eating pattern is despite trying to do meal plans, I struggle to stick to them, as the eating disorder voice makes me restrict but then that leads to chaotic eating later on. I used to be sick daily, often numerous times a day and it has left physical effects of reflux and pain especially if I eat late at night which often I end up doing if haven't fitted in enough food in the day, sometimes I have to be sick just to get rid of the pain, and the reflux affects my voice for singing as the acid causes excess mucus to sit on my vocal cords, which is frustrating especially as singing with choir has helped my mental health so much and distracts me from my negative thoughts. I thought the mucus was caused by my sinuses but ent Dr said its reflux so now a gasterolologist (if that's how you spell it) is investigating with an endoscopy to see what can be done hopefully. I'm also being assessed by the eating disorder services for cbt for eating disorders, which I have had before but was at a time, I was struggling alot with the rest of my mental health and wasn't getting no help with that so although the therapist was really good I only got 20 sessions of cbt, which NHS NICE guidelines recommend for bulimia but was for a 10 year untreated problem. So I'm hoping this time I can get help to manage the mealplans they suggest and hopefully I can trust they aren't going to make me eat too much and make my weight go up more and help me manage the eating disorder voice. Eating Disorders aren't weight disorders they are a mental health problem and although there are blanket diagnoses of anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder there is another category of eating disorder not otherwise specified where the symptoms of different eating disorders happen, so a bigger person doesn't necessarily have binge eating disorder especially if have a history of anorexia as the anorexic voice never goes, for me mental health meds and other health problems led to me gaining alot of weight, I actually ate alot more when I was alot smaller as I was sick after everything I ate, along with over exercising, periods of fasting, taking laxatives and diet pills.
I'm open about my mental health, as I'm hoping one day I can fully recover but want to be able to hopefully warn others going down the same path to get the help, and push for the help as soon as possible, my life could have been so different, as the eating disorderand then self harm has damaged my physical and mental health.
Despite my social anxiety I have had friends in my life, but have never had a proper relationship, the closest I had to a relationship was a male friend who was my best friend for 8 years in my 20s we went out with each other for a bit, and surprisingly he hung around for that long despite my crazy times, he was a foodie, I had a fear of food, but we had good times, we went on holidays with other friends, I was working, I had a normal life to people who saw me outside, at work I came across as bubbly and confident, they didn't see what was going on behind closed doors. I admit at my worst I can be a nightmare, I'm ok if I plan a meal out where I can plan what I'm having and am around people who are relaxed with food, but like on holiday when everyone else can just not have a set time or place it sets my anxiety off, so I would end up letting everyone else go out for food and I would end up staying back bingeing and purging, which although I can openly talk about, if anyone is there it's humiliating, there are a couple of good friends who it became it's just what I did and didn't make too much of a fuss, to be honest that's the best way to manage it, let a sufferer know you care but don't hassle them, I know for me I knew it was a problem, but couldn't get the help to stop, so all you can do is do it the safest way, so get physical health and bloods checked regularly which my heart consultant was good with but a gp told me why should he pay for something self infected like a mental illness is a choice. Luckily as my heart consultant was so understanding and concerned because my bulimia had made a hereditary heart condition worse, he put me a pacemaker and defibrillator in as people die of bulimia even if not low weight due to the damage to the heart.
Recovery doesn't mean cure it means being able to manage symptoms of your mental health problems and live a positive life despite it. I try the best I can but hope having the right help for my physical and mental health, my life can continue to get better.
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