Self harm awareness day ( 1st March 2022)

 This week is eating disorders awareness week, but today is also self harm awareness day. I think it is important to raise awareness as self harm is too often misunderstood and judged. Self harm isn't attention seeking or to attempt suicide although people who self harm are at higher risk of attempting suicide, therefore all self harm should be taken seriously especially in young people. 

I self harmed once when I was about 13 but my main problem then was an eating disorder and the self harm I did then was because I thought it was a good idea after I heard someone else had done it. I then didn't self harm until I was in my 20s. At 21 I was suffering with severe bulimia and it was like a constant battle in my head arguing between my rational self and an eating disorder voice, the eating disorder making me feel guilty about all food and myself wanting to eat. I remember sat crying on the kitchen floor as I was hungry but the eating disorder " voice" wouldn't let me eat and I threw a mug in frustration.  Without even thinking about it I cut my arm. It then became a daily cycle of eat, make myself sick then self harm to punish myself for eating. 

As time went on I would self harm for other reasons, if I was angry or upset or to punish myself for everything I thought I had done wrong. At work or college if I made a mistake I would self harm to punish myself. If I was angry or upset with someone else I would also self harm and I don't like upsetting other people although then the self harm upsets those close to you. 

When I first went to my gp about self harm, he just signed me off work from a stressful job working as a support worker with challenging behaviour and put me on prozac. At the time I first self harmed I wasn't suicidal but prozac is known to cause suicidal thoughts and impulsive behaviour in young adults yet I was prescribed it and when I told the gp I was getting suicidal thoughts he doubled the dose. I then impulsively took 3 overdoses in one weekend but was sent home each time and I got no mental health support for it. Any times I went to a and e with self harm I was just medically treated and the mental health crisis team sent me home. As my self harm became more often I didn't want to waste a and e time so I treat my self harm myself at home with steristips and dressings and would wear long sleeves to work and support other people with mental health problems to stay safe and was more unsafe myself.  There was a time I didn't think I could stop self harming, by 2012 I was regularly taking overdoses as a combination of self harm and suicide attempts and I was so out of control yet would get sent home being told I was too high functioning for help as I worked and I even had a care co ordinator who told me to just get on with mental nurse training which I wanted to do but knew I couldn't be worse than my patients. By 2014 I had to give up working after self harming for about 10 years but unable to get the right therapy for my eating disorder and self harm. I felt hopeless and by then had obsessive suicidal thoughts which I acted on with overdoses but then I was tying ligatures on the mental health ward and getting found unconscious so spent months sectioned with staff with me 24 hours a day even in the toilet, I lost all dignity but I had also given up. As I got no therapy on the mental health ward I  couldn't find any other way to manage my self destructive thoughts so when items were removed to self harm with I ended up banging my head on walls and pulling my hair out.

I'm not proud of my story but its important to raise awareness so self harm is taken seriously early on as early intervention for any mental health problems leads to better recovery rates. The longer a problem goes on the more severe and harder to treat it becomes. I'm thankful to the help I had to stay alive the year I couldn't keep myself safe and am thankful I survived. I still have therapy for personality disorders in a therapeutic community to help manage my self harm and suicidal thoughts and I haven't taken any overdoses since the end of 2018 since I have found more positive things to focus on including singing in a choir and volunteering and teaching horse riding and spending more time with my horse Warwick. I have occasionally self harmed at stressful times, I think it is like smoking or drinking where self harm becomes an automatic response in very stressful times but although I still get the thoughts, emotions and urges to self harm the majority of the time  I can stop myself, think of the pros and cons of acting on it and find better ways to mange without self harming. 

I'm open about my self harm as even if I wear long sleeves they sometimes ride up but there are some situations such as when I teach children horse riding I wear support bandages or long sleeves which is uncomfortable in hot weather but I know some parents will judge it despite I have never been a risk to anyone else and am good at teaching children. I get embarrassed by my scars although I'm getting more confident with some people in non work situations as they are part of me now, even if I never self harm again I will have the scars forever and there are alot of them so it's obvious what they are.

I hope more younger people get the help sooner so they don't become adults classed as complex which is what I became but despite my struggles I want to try make a difference and help other people. My story isn't over yet.....

 

I