Am i a hypocrite re suicide awareness....strong pd beliefs

 As long as I can remember, I can remember even as a child saying I hated life. I think back then it was sadness as I got bullied at school and never felt I fitted in. As I got older I developed deeper thinking. 

I thought it was my fault my birth mum died so I deserved to die, I was depressed at having to live with an eating disorder and never going to get better from it, I got scared of my adoptive parents dying and believed it would be easier if I died so I didn't have to deal with them dying, I got scared of losing support and scared I couldn't cope alone, anxiety making me believe dying was going to be less scary than having to manage an adult life on my own.

I still have these fears and beliefs, they never went and I believe I will die by suicide eventually but for now I live for other people, I stay alive mostly for my parents and Warwick and I try to make myself valuable at choir and work and volunteering to give myself reasons to stay alive.

Am I a hypocrite writing suicide awareness posts saying too many people die too young by suicide.  No I don't think I am as I think alot of young people die by suicide and could have lived happier lives if they had had the right help, often they commit suicide over a temporary problem which could have been fixed with support such as money worries or relationship problems. But I feel my problems are too deep to change, attaching to people leaves me getting hurt but staying detached also makes me feel lonely and that will only get worse once I lose Warwick and my parents. 

Am I glad I didn't die in 2015, yes, I wanted and do still want to achieve and enjoy more in my life but I also believe there is no "happy ever after", those we love die or leave, nothing stays the same, I don't have any firm foundations for a long life, I don't have a career I live for, I don't have close family or friends apart from my parents I see regularly and when I see older lonely people, I've spent too much of my life lonely and sad so I don't want to have a long lonely life, that doesn't mean I'm imminently going to kill myself, however I see it will be the only ending I will have.

For now I pray my old pony and parents have a few more years left so I can gave a bucket list and fulfil at least part of it before I die....


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