Need to find some goals and dreams and listening to my body and mind re diet

 I would like to say sorry for being so negative lately, mental health can be unpredictable sometimes, nowadays I have more resilience than I used to, I have too much to lose by giving into it.

A while ago I bought a diary that said "big dreams", but then I don't know what my big dreams are.

I'm hoping to go on tour with choir next year, and that is a big motivation to stay well and be able to do the part time work I do as a carer. I've had a month off due to having a new pacemaker and sadly the lady I volunteer befriending died so I think obviously I'm really sad about the lady and work gives me some purpose so I'm looking forward to getting back to work this week. I've also been asked by the befriending charity I volunteer for to visit another man which will be nice and I have to try think of the positives of the time I had with the lady, she got to enjoy a 90th birthday party in the summer in her garden and her family say she enjoyed her time with me and I did her. 

I was accepted to volunteer for St john ambulance but I think based on my health, occupational health haven't cleared me so it obviously wasn't meant to be.

Since finishing a full time group therapy though I have alot of spare time, I do struggle physically and mentally when I do too much but at the moment I'm not doing enough and need to work on what I can change in my life so I'm going to ask about volunteering for riding for the disabled something I used to do and enjoy, even if it's only an hour a week on a different day to the day I visit the old man I'm befriending it's giving more days purpose.

My one 12 hour night shift a week does make me tired so normally takes a day or 2 to get over it, god knows how I used to work 60 hour weeks whilst barely eating, I think it's caught up with me.

Talking of which I'm on week 10 of my diet, my bulimia has still been there especially on a weekend when I often feel more down and lonely on quiet weekends but the majority of the time I have stuck to the diet sensibly some days going over 1200 calories but trying to stick to 1200. My weight has plateaued a bit but my pre lockdown choir trousers now fit. I think another trigger recently was my diet was triggering my eating disorder thoughts which often happens when my anxiety and depression get bad so I've had a couple of days relaxing off the diet and had a greggs vegan sausage roll and donut as today's main meal and stuck within my daily calorie limit and tomorrow I will eat a healthier main meal again. But I'm proud I listened to my body as I was feeling physically ill, I even did a covid test although my symptoms weren't typical covid symptoms and it was negative and actually eating and a nanna nap made me feel better.

I need to try enjoy my own company more as other people have busy lives and their own stuff going on and then enjoy time with people when they are available. 

I often wish if I rewound the clock and hadn't spent my whole life with suicidal thoughts I might have planned to get married and have kids etc and it does make me sad my lifewasnt different. I also always wanted to be a nurse and there was a time I would have been a good mental health or learning disability nurse but although I've been to uni before and have a HND in horse studies which was very scientific and psychology based which have similarities in animals to humans, I struggle academically because I'm dyslexic and dyspraxic and mentally I spent a year banging my head on walls ( not something I'm proud of but it was when I was really unwell) it has made learning even harder. Also uni reminds me of school days where I got bullied and never fitted in socially and I've always found that triggers my insecurities about myself which is why last time I got accepted to uni my fear of failure sent me into a year long mental health crisis.

For now being an agency carer means it's flexible around health and isn't too much pressure. I stopped having support workers to help me earlier this year and I try keep on top of everything they used to help me with, there was a time I did my food shop with them, got them to help clean my flat and the came and gave me my meds. I knew that it would be a bit weird still needing that much support and going back to work supporting others but I do struggle to keep on top of everything although I always keep on top of laundry, pots and pets and I do my own meds and my food shopping has been easier to do and plan since doing the diet I'm doing that means 2 meals are meal replacements so I only have to plan one main meal a day and supper if I need it.

Sorry this got a bit long, I don't even know if anyone reads my blog and I need to find more goals and dreams which aren't work related. I love singing in the choir and have booked some horse riding lessons as that's something else I always enjoyed doing, I don't think I will ever have a relationship and I guess that's OK, I have Warwick, Arthur and Chester-Nicholas my pets and I trust animals more than people I can't do their head in with my up and down moods they are happy as long as they get cuddles and treats. My moods do my head in so I don't expect anyone else to have to live with them....