Diet kind of out of window at moment ( but its not totally a bad thing)...and keeping busy to help mental health.

 I say my diet out of the window but I did lose 2 and a half stone, the first stone was whilst having eating disorder therapy for bulimia, trying to stick to 3 meals 3 snacks but with some eating disorder behaviour, then I had 11 weeks where I almost totally stuck to a meal replacement 1200 calorie diet then my mental health took a nose dive and I was feeling really low and bulimia took over so I had a couple of weeks off the diet but haven't been able to consistently stick to diet again since even though I wanted to although my weight has had times its still gone down I'm not doing anything consistently to keep it going down(apart from dancing at choir lol....feels like a workout in itself).

I was aiming to fit into a ball dress I have for our choir Christmas ball but then was thinking I'm sure no one else will care what size I am or the dress I'm wearing even though i do and was a good excuse to get a new dress (good job I have some more shifts coming up at work).

Lately on Facebook articles about bigger people being proud what they look like keep showing up on my newsfeed which is a good thing but then there are so many judgemental hateful comments underneath and tbh it upsets me, I hate my size  but I hated my size when I was a size 8 and thought I was too fat and it was mental health meds and health problems made me gain weight originally and I've struggled to get below a certain weight for years. I did however gain weight in lockdown after not being able to be as active as before lockdown due to the pools and gyms closing, then bulimia took over being stuck at home all the time then having covid now 3 times I'm always tired so have to pace myself, I'm now back to my pre lockdown weight. The Facebook comments on those articles are so damaging, too many of us think we have to look a certain way to be acceptable in society but too many people die from eating disorders either from the direct effects of starvation and eating disorder behaviour such as vomiting and laxatives cause heart problems or from suicide, i'm lucky I'm still alive but I do still struggle to accept myself. 

I've been trying to throw myself into being busy as it stops me focusing on the negatives. I'm looking forward to going to Florence with choir next year so I've got to stay well for that and to be able to do the bit of work I do to pay for it, so any diet I do has to be maintainable which is hard fighting the irrational eating disorder thoughts with healthy ones, my eating disorder therapist did suggest it wasn't healthy for me to diet due to my eating disorder but the way I see it I haven't ever fully been on top of my bulimia for 20 years and the therapy I had didn't teach me anything I didn't know and although I got on with the therapist it was only for 10 sessions so not long enough to work through testing out what they were telling me to do with their support so I have now been having to try it alone.

I love Christmas and am looking forward to choir Christmas gigs and events, they were so good last year and am also keeping busy with work and volunteering, my life isn't where I want it to be, if I didn't have choir and choir friends I would be at home on my own alot so it's good to have something I love doing with a lovely supportive bunch of people and of course im lucky i have Warwick my horse. I go and see the old man I volunteer befriending once a week, I've started helping with riding for the disabled and have been accepted to volunteer with St john ambulance cadets or badgers which will probably start after Christmas now once I have done the training, it took a while for occupational health to clear me to do it.

I thought I hadn't done a blog post for a whole and just felt like doing one, trying to focus on the positives...