Struggling but theres still a fight left in me


 I constantly struggle with an eating disorder and the negative thoughts about myself that go with it, going through cycles of bingeing and purging or restricting with periods of semi normal eating or a conventional diet but the eating disorder behaviours always creep back in but I function with my eating disorder. The eating disorder voice is constant whatever weight and whichever cycle I'm in at the time and eating always causes anxiety and guilt ( which people can't visibly see if your not a low weight) but I try fight it. I set myself goals such as choir gigs, voluneer work and some part time work and I tell myself I have to eat to be safe to drive etc. Which I need to be able to do to see Warwick my horse, go to choir and go to work.

But sometimes if my anxiety or depression get worse the eating disorder thoughts get darker and lead to self harming and suicidal thoughts which do scare me. They are always there in the background but when I'm in crisis it's like a constant negative voice that makes the whole guilt of eating worse and the voice screams at you and that's when it's hard to not act on self harm thoughts.

I've struggled like many people through January but I had set myself goals of doing a sponsored move for mind and was carrying on doing volunteering and work and looking forward to a choir trip were going on to Florence but the dark thoughts totally took over and I took an overdose and self harmed a week ago. I stayed at a crisis house for 3 days then was discharged home and I have struggled with the same thoughts.

I feel I have let people down but sometimes mental health is unpredictable and we shouldn't be ashamed of relapses.

But so many people from my choir have told me they have been saying prayers for me and have been supportive and offered so much kindness it is helping me fight my thoughts along with music and singing. It was my birthday last week and I got a video from my choir of them singing happy birthday to me whilst I was in hospital and a friend from my Cleethorpes choir gave me a lift to Hull choir so I still got to choir that week as i wasnt upto driving. We were singing "unwritten" by Natasha bedingfield and i felt the lyrics were being sung to me to. I've been overwhelmed by everybody's kindness and I owe it to them and myself to get better again.

I went to a gospel choir concert last night and another choir friend drove all the way from Hull to pick me up and take me and although I'm not normally very religious although I'm a Christian I could feel the presence of God at that concert and felt like the words and energy were speaking to me and my thoughts were the calmest they had been in weeks. Weirdly at the concert a cross appeared on the window even though the venue was a community centre which used to be a bank so not a church at all.

I've been listening to gospel songs and taking in the lyrics and it has really been helping. My thoughts are still not great but are feeling a bit easier to fight than they were and I'm trying to focus on my goals again. I need to see my horse I've missed him loads and need to practice choir songs which I haven't been doing as much as I normally do. I'm supposed to be doing a sponsored swim in March so that is a reason to not self harm as well as I hate wearing long sleeves in summer. And I'm going to Florence in May and got a choir competition that I need to be well for. 

It's not going to be easy but there's still a fight left in me......

















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