Self harm isn't always a choice and is so misunderstood.......i scare myself


 Sometimes the only thing we have to fear is ourselves. I went so long without taking any overdoses or self harming in anyway but recently I've been struggling alot with my eating disorder and that leads to more self destructive thoughts that I deserve to hurt myself etc. I ended up taking a paracetamol overdose after my thoughts took over. I'm always open in my blog because mental health is so misunderstood, I'm misunderstood. I would rather be healthy and happy not spending nights in a and e and following days scared I might die. At the time my thoughts are I deserve to hurt myself or die but my rational self doesn't want to. I have my furbabies Warwick, Arthur and Rocky who need me as well a my parents I love and care about as well as friends who care about me and vice versa.

It scares me how things can turn so quickly I was teaching at the riding school only a few hours before. I started struggling with my mood when I was with my horse Warwick and knew I was just tired and needed food as I hadn't eaten much. I went to a shop on the way home I fancied a bar of chocolate but ended up crying feeling guilty about food so I didn't buy any.

I then ordered food online as I couldn't face cooking but then ended up being sick after the food feeling guilty and getting a surge of energy to go to a shop to buy paracetamol. My thoughts were that loud they were only going to go if I acted on them by that point I had lost control and I took 20 tablets. 

Apparently my levels were below the treatment line for an antidote for paracetamol poisoning which reverses liver damage so I had no treatment and was sent home.

I'm scared no as I've found cases studies online of people who have died in similar circumstances so praying my body wants to fight with my stupid brain that doesn't want it too, I have so much more I want to do and achieve before I go anywhere and I need to find my fight back......I'm not giving up.....










































































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