Feeling misunderstood and mental health therapies think one size fits all

 I've worked in care for approximately 20 years on and off including in mental health and learning disabilities, as a carer your always taught about person centred holistic care and to promote independence as much as possible but then in the majority of care environments  and services, service users/ patients/ clients are told when to get up and washed and dressed and when to eat, drink etc. and therapies are similar, I know alot of it due to funding and lack of services but the majority of therapies are group or short term individual therapies and if you don't recover during that time or relapse even if your problem is long term, your classed as not engaging. Also the promoting independence isn't looked at individually either often people told to do things themselves despite struggling too much to do it. If someone is self isolating at home, too depressed or anxious to go out, they're classed as not causing a problem to anyone else so get no help, then if take an overdose or self harm because of the long term problem and need hospital treatment, the symptom of the problem is treated rather than the cause. There needs to be more support for the person to do things and get out. People who turn up to therapies consistently are classed as success stories those too physically or mentally too unwell to leave their home are classed as not engaging and too complex and I've heard of too many who died because of that situation with appointment letters for mental health therapies in their letter box unopened yet they were too unwell to go so no one followed up why they didn't turn up. There are too many preventable suicides.

I've suffered from eating disorders since I was 12, admitting it was a problem and seeking help for what was bulimia at 21, but since asking for help for what now is a 20 year problem that has had better and worse times, I had 20 sessions of cbt for eating disorders which was 10 years after first asking for help and then 10 sessions of cbt 2 years ago. Alot of mental health workers think you will recover or are recovered if they can tick a box to say your volunteering or working and got a social network but for me when I put more pressure on it makes my anxiety worse and my eating disorder, anxiety and depression worse.

Also if the theory of a full life works, for me I've had my eating disorder at times in my life I was working full time, studying, looking after my horse and had a group of friends in my 20s.

For the last year I've been in the worst relapse of my eating disorder getting worse to the extent it led to self harm and feeling suicidal and I had to give up volunteering and struggle to do my shift at work. Since I stopped working in 2014 I've had meningococcal septicaemia and pneumonia where my kidneys failed, have had heart failure and had covid 3 times, all that along with my eating disorder and after effects of alot of overdoses as well as battling anxiety and depression mean I have chronic fatigue, a busy day means I struggle to get out of bed the rest of the time and when I'm really struggling with my eating disorder, I struggle to do more than I can.

Before my relapse I was going to choir 3 nights a week, choir gigs, volunteering for riding for the disabled and friendship at home befriending older people and meeting choir friends for drinks and meals yet mental health services just want to ignore  my eating disorder that led to me having to stop doing those things and focus on getting back to doing those things without being able to get better from the eating disorder first. 

I enjoyed volunteering for riding for the disabled and friendship at home and want to do a sponsored swim for charity ( which because of my physical health even without my eating disorder I struggle more with than before I had covid) and be able to meet friends without food being too big a problem to manage. I got offered a job in mental health last year and it would have been an ideal job for me supporting adults at a mental health rehab but then I had my own mental health crisis do wasn't upto starting the job so for now the agency I work for is flexible around my health and choir which helps my mental health.

My self harm and overdoses were because of my eating disorder yet then the only therapy I can get is focused on that rather than the eating disorder that caused it.

In good eating disorder clinics / services there is meal support to deal with meals and the anxiety eating causes and input from a psychologist, dietitian, occupational therapists, psychiatrists, nurses and support workers yet I'm made to feel I'm being unreasonable saying I'm struggling to recover being told eat 6 times a day, living on my own with no support apart from the one hour a week therapy, but eating disorder services usually only fund based on a low bmi being a marker of severity and so treat anorexia more than bulimia or eating disorders not otherwise specified despite people dying from eating disorders at all weights from the health effects of starvation and purging, I have a pacemaker because bulimia made a hereditary heart condition worse and I was told I was at high risk of dying without a pacemaker yet even then I couldn't get any eating disorder help until 2 years later and that was only after my dad complaining to local mental health services no one was helping me and I got referred to an eating disorder clinic in Leeds. 

I've found an eating disorder dietitian so going to try get some support off them to hopefully get some support with meal planning some meal plans I can trust but it's going to be hard when I feel guilty having any food in me not just  "binge" foods. 

I don't just have my eating disorder and have never said I don't gave personality disorders too but the main one that causes me a problem is avoidant personality disorder which Is a severe type of social anxiety which causes low self esteem and self worth which I know is why when I put more pressure on myself it triggers my mental health to get worse and also causes me to struggle in groups but there is no individual therapy available.

It gets where I feel my life won't get better, there are good parts to my life, mostly my old pony and choir but I struggle to enjoy them as much when I'm struggling more with my mental health although without them I know I wouldn't be here because I feel they stop me fully acting on suicidal thoughts.