Bulimia versus atypical anorexia, trying to feel hopeful about recovery

 I'm always open about my eating disorders but recent years for me have proved eating disorders can occur at any size and size doesn't determine which eating disorder someone is suffering from. Sadly if someone in a larger body loses weight even if with disordered eating, they are praised or it's not seen as a problem as it's expected they needed to lose weight although eating disorder therapists say to recover from any eating disorder, weight loss shouldn't be the goal which is what makes recovery hard. For me I felt too fat even at lower weights even when normal or even underweight so now my eating disorder makes me hate myself more and it affects my anxiety and confidence in general. 

At the beginning of last year my eating disorder became more atypical anorexia after following what started as a fairly sensible calorie counting diet. ( atypical anorexia has the same symptoms and medical risks as typical anorexia apart from the weight threshold so if someone even in a larger body loses alot of weight in a short space of time with disordered eating and behaviours it is classed as atypical anorexia).I thought I could stay in control of it safely without it triggering my eating disorders but my anxiety and depression got worse due to other triggers and that then triggered my eating disorder thoughts to get worse and it got where I felt guilty about all calories and took an overdose because I felt guilty about the calories in a soya yogert. Last year I was 2 stone lighter than I am now but in an unhealthy way, I was so depressed I had given up on life and felt hopeless. I couldn't enjoy the things I normally love which motivate me such as choir and being with Warwick my horse and was just spending most days in bed, I didn't have the energy or motivation and was just on total self destruct and was self harming. I'm proud that even at rock bottom I did still manage to push myself to continue to work part time, drinking fortisip drinks and fruit juice to have the energy to do my job although I do struggle with it as care work and teaching horse riding are both physical jobs but it gives me some sense of purpose and although not normal thinking a way for me to justify being alive. 

I now know the depression was being made worse by a change in some meds I'm on for a hereditary heart condition I have. There was a shortage of the usual nadalol I have been taking since I was 16 and the propranolol it got changed too apparently can cause depression in those prone to depression. I'm now back on nadalol as my heart consultant in Leeds has arranged that it is couriered across from Leeds for me. 

Since the change in meds, my depression is better than it was and it is now more manageable to push away the thoughts to self harm and overdose (which I still get thoughts and urges to do especially since I have gained weight as a big trigger for my self harm is hating myself for being too fat but also not feeling good enough in general). Unfortunately since my change in meds though it has also made it harder to restrict food so now the ed isn't happy and my eating disorder spiralled to bulimia where when I have to give into hunger I have to get rid of it by being sick or restricting again. Often when I give into hunger especially after restricting, it ends up a binge although I've not had any big binges during this relapse, I often buy binge food and throw it away or give some to my neighbour. The eating disorder  "voice" always makes me feel worse in a bulimia phase as then you can't control your weight either, I still really want to restrict and lose weight. Which is where recovery is hard. I have to keep fighting the eating disorder thoughts away with goals away from food such as I'm aiming to do a sponsored swim for charity but upto now I've only been managing one or 2 days free of my bulimia which has been making my anxiety and social anxiety and confidence harder to manage.

Since my relapse with my eating disorder or even overdoses, I couldn't get any different mental health support despite struggling in my flat especially last year there was a time I was scared I was going to die alone in my flat especially after my last overdose I was really physically unwell and couldn't eat or drink without being sick and I was bleeding and was told I had some kidney damage. 7 months after my relapse with overdoses, I started dbt therapy but it wasn't helping my eating disorder so I feel I need help to get on top of healthier non disordered eating before I can work on the other anxieties that trigger my mental health problems too so I have paid an eating disorder dietitian for a 12 week group recovery program which starts in 5 weeks time. In the meantime I'm trying my best to fight the eating disorder thoughts with I need to eat enough to see Warwick, go to choir, go to work and enjoy some normal socialising again too. I feel the last year has distanced me from friends as socialising often involves food or even needing energy just to drive to places or go for a walk or swim etc.

It's hard and my eating disorder won't go overnight but I look at a photo from 2019 I was the same weight i was last year but was maintained by swimming and horse riding and eating to fuel the exercise. My eating disorder mind always wants me to be lower than that and makes me feel guilty eating at all but the last year has took a toll on my physical and mental health especially my physical health and I feel unwell alot of the time so in between my productive times I'm still in bed alot but at keadt this year without the depression it is easier to take part in life again. I want people to be proud of me again for fighting my eating disorder and mental health problems rather than known as being stuck in my problems. I do still care about other people and I'm sorry I've not been as supportive to others as they were me especially when I first relapsed. Its gone on too long but I'm trying to feel hopeful that the group with the dietitian will at least help me start recovery I know I will still need help to deal with my other anxieties that trigger my eating disorders and self harm and there are a couple of options afterwards too.

The goal of recovery has to be health not a number on the scales or a clothes size, it's the weight I can be happy and live my life again....