Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem...
I put suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem but the same goes for self harm in a way. In an emotional mind we can act on what at the time seems an unsollvable problem. In the emotional mind a small problem can become a bigger problem. I think even in someone who doesn't have a mental health problem, being upset about one thing spirals into being upset about lots of things and before you know it your rational thinking can go. In someone with borderline or emotionally unstable personality disorder those emotions are heightened so you can go from being ok one minute to self harming and being suicidal triggered by something that can seem trivial to someone else.
In the negative mindset I can think everyone else's lives have carried on without me being a significant part of their lives and they wouldn't notice if I wasn't around anymore, but then in a more positive mindset I can think although I dont see anyone on a regular basis I do have things to look forward to with the friends I dont see often and we will enjoy those things together. However I find on a night time when your on your own is when you can feel the most lonely and that is when the thought about being lonely can then become feeling upset about everything else bad in your life and everything that has gone wrong that day and before you know it you have acted on those negative thoughts and that's when self harm can happen. In my negative mindset I can think I dont have any close friends anymore which is true because I dont see anyone regularly and dont have anyone I have a strong connection with anyone anymore because they're busy but I also like I said before know I do have friends and things to look forward to...so I need to get better at not acting in the emotional mind to stay safe.
As I've said before im being honest in this blog and recovery isnt linear. As I've said before im bulimic and try weekly to do meal plans that actually work to.lose weight without using eating disorder behaviour etc. (restricting, binging or purging)...I have had support workers for the last year and a half who have helped me do my food shop...I follow a list and dont end up buying binge foods or stressing about how many calories in anything etc...basically im less emotional doing it with support but now im going to be losing that support so I tried doing online shopping again. I had written a meal plan for the week which involved taking pack up to the group therapeutic community im at 3 days a week...where I struggle to eat with other people who some also have eating disorders and others know im supposed to have an eating disorder and I feel they will look at me and think im too fat to have an eating disorder. The sandwich fillings I had planned had been sent out of date and I ended up getting upset about that which led to me then being upset about how shit my whole life is and I self harmed for the first time in 6 months. One of the last times I self harmed also involved online shopping ages ago when I had ordered sugar free flavoured water that only had 2 calories in but then Tesco had sent water with sugar in as a substitute. I hadn't noticed so was drinking it...tying in with my eating disorder I suddenly realized it wasnt the low calorie water and it sent me into the emotional mind and led to self harm. It's hard for people who dont struggle in the same way to understand so I want to be open and honest in this blog.i understand I'm not the easiest person to live with as my moods are so up and down and so easily triggered...then I guess if someone else is struggling with their own stuff it is hard for them to deal with my stuff too. I totally understand and that is one reason I dont have relationships as it wouldn't be fair on anyone to have to deal with my problems which obviously are unpredictable. With borderline personality disorder you feel emotions strongly. That means that although I feel negative emotions strongly I can also feel positive emotions strongly which means when I do things I enjoy doing with people I enjoy doing them with my mood can lift...life is for living...I will hopefully find a worth living...
In the negative mindset I can think everyone else's lives have carried on without me being a significant part of their lives and they wouldn't notice if I wasn't around anymore, but then in a more positive mindset I can think although I dont see anyone on a regular basis I do have things to look forward to with the friends I dont see often and we will enjoy those things together. However I find on a night time when your on your own is when you can feel the most lonely and that is when the thought about being lonely can then become feeling upset about everything else bad in your life and everything that has gone wrong that day and before you know it you have acted on those negative thoughts and that's when self harm can happen. In my negative mindset I can think I dont have any close friends anymore which is true because I dont see anyone regularly and dont have anyone I have a strong connection with anyone anymore because they're busy but I also like I said before know I do have friends and things to look forward to...so I need to get better at not acting in the emotional mind to stay safe.
As I've said before im being honest in this blog and recovery isnt linear. As I've said before im bulimic and try weekly to do meal plans that actually work to.lose weight without using eating disorder behaviour etc. (restricting, binging or purging)...I have had support workers for the last year and a half who have helped me do my food shop...I follow a list and dont end up buying binge foods or stressing about how many calories in anything etc...basically im less emotional doing it with support but now im going to be losing that support so I tried doing online shopping again. I had written a meal plan for the week which involved taking pack up to the group therapeutic community im at 3 days a week...where I struggle to eat with other people who some also have eating disorders and others know im supposed to have an eating disorder and I feel they will look at me and think im too fat to have an eating disorder. The sandwich fillings I had planned had been sent out of date and I ended up getting upset about that which led to me then being upset about how shit my whole life is and I self harmed for the first time in 6 months. One of the last times I self harmed also involved online shopping ages ago when I had ordered sugar free flavoured water that only had 2 calories in but then Tesco had sent water with sugar in as a substitute. I hadn't noticed so was drinking it...tying in with my eating disorder I suddenly realized it wasnt the low calorie water and it sent me into the emotional mind and led to self harm. It's hard for people who dont struggle in the same way to understand so I want to be open and honest in this blog.i understand I'm not the easiest person to live with as my moods are so up and down and so easily triggered...then I guess if someone else is struggling with their own stuff it is hard for them to deal with my stuff too. I totally understand and that is one reason I dont have relationships as it wouldn't be fair on anyone to have to deal with my problems which obviously are unpredictable. With borderline personality disorder you feel emotions strongly. That means that although I feel negative emotions strongly I can also feel positive emotions strongly which means when I do things I enjoy doing with people I enjoy doing them with my mood can lift...life is for living...I will hopefully find a worth living...
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