So sad Nikki Graham died and how lockdown is affecting people with Eating Disorders but help isn't available until extremely unwell

 Was sad to hear how Nikki Graham died from anorexia and had to fundraise to pay for any treatment despite being very unwell with her eating disorder. Apparently her eating disorder started as young as 7 or 8 and so has spent her whole life battling it so did well to achieve all she did as a well liked celebrity and did appear to have some periods of stability. Apparently during lockdown once gyms closed, I read that she got scared of eating if she couldn't exercise it off.

Eating Disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness yet help is so hard to get and although it shouldn't be, often treatment is offered based on very low BMI which is so wrong. Eating Disorders are mental illnesses, they start long before someone becomes a low weight, Gok Wan was anorexic, he started at 20 stone, lost half his body weight by starving himself but because was then a healthy weight he couldn't get any help in fact he was turned away i read. One person may be a lower end of normal weight so not need to lose alot before they are the low BMI eating disorder services even tell eating disorder sufferers they have to reach before they can be offered treatment, but someone of a higher weight who is still in the same emotional turmoil is left with no support. 

Eating disorder aren't weight disorders yet all too often bmi is used, and often even sufferers hide they have a problem once they aren't a low bmi yet are still battling with Eating disorder behaviours and aren't recovered.  About 50 percent of people with anorexia go on to develop bulimia and so often the 2 are treated as totally different Disorders but I started suffering with an eating disorder when I was 12, I mostly restricted then although did also take laxatives and make myself sick, once I was away at university I was living on a tin of soup a day and have had periods in my life when my weight has been lower but was never a low enough weight for eating disorder services to help me based on bmi, I went to CAMHS when I was 14 for my eating disorder and some self harm but was told I wasn't severe enough for them to help me so no one helped me deal with the  underlying problems I had about feeling guilty my birth mum died, and my feelings of feeling worthless after years of bullying at school. I had social anxiety and was really quiet and anxious at school yet no one helped with any of it. 

When I was 21 I admitted it was a problem by then I was suffering with severe bulimia and would only eat if I knew I could be sick afterwards and exercise yet when I went to my gp was just sent to a mental health nurse who knew nothing about eating disorders and didn't offer any therapy.  That was 2002, in 2004 I started self harming regularly to punish myself for eating and my gp put me on prozac which made me have suicidal thoughts and I took 3 overdoses in one weekend yet was sent home by crisis team no more mental health support. In 2007 I had to have a pacemaker for my heart because my bulimia had made a hereditary heart condition worse and I was told I would die without one and at that point I wasn't suicidal so was scared of dying from my bulimia. 

By 2009, 7 years after first asking for help for my eating disorder, i was going to an eating disorder support group and my dad was helped to complain I wasn't getting any help and I was eventually referred to an eating disorder clinic in Leeds where I went outpatient but then was told I was too severe and needed inpatient. For bulimia I was offered an 8 week admission but then was told because it was a short admission I would have to get psychology in my local area so got bed and food, there weren't even any activities literally i just slept, did some art and craft and continued to make myself sick after every meal and was told to get therapy in my local area so I was discharged to a care co ordinator who was off sick and a year long psychology waiting list and no eating disorder help. 

I continued working as a support worker, did my access to nursing course and got accepted to Hull University to train as a mental health nurse but I relapsed badly with my eating disorder and self harm which was only at a manageable level for a few months out of 8 years. Crisis team said I was an ongoing problem and to get help from my care co ordinator who was off sick and had been for a year I eventually got another care co ordinator and I was assessed by an eating disorder service and had 20 sessions of cbt for eating disorders with a lovely therapist and I was still focused on aiming to be a mental health nurse and was meant to get psychology to help with underlying issues as well as the help about the way i thought about food, weight and body image. The eating disorder therapist left, the psychologist left without giving me any therapy and I gave up and got suicidal, because of my eating disorders and underlying issues and took about 60 overdoses over 2 years eventually in 2015 my suicide attempts and self harm were so severe because the eating disorder voice became your fat, you deserve to die, your useless, you deserve to punish yourself yet because I wasn't a low weight the mental side isn't even acknowledged. I was in hospital for my what then was diagnosed as personality disorders and despite not eating for days at a time, making myself sick when I did and my blood sugars dropping to 2 I got no help with it whatsoever I spent a year sectioned in hospital tying ligatures and banging my head on walls I just wanted my head to shut up and give me a break I got no therapy just stuff took off me including having to wear anti ligature clothing as I would use clothing to tie ligatures.

I was discharged to an open rehab where I still got no help with my eating disorder and 5 years on I still can't get specific help for it but am in a group therapy for personality disorder where I'm told if I deal with my emotions my eating disorder might improve and eating disorder services might help after but I doubt it. I still suffer with bulimia, I rarely self harm and haven't acted on any suicidal thoughts for 2 and a half years, it is hard as I still have the same negative eating disorder voice which makes you feel guilty about everything you eat, mental health medication and water reention from heart failure and kidney disease made me gain alot of weight which I have struggled to get down much.

I went to a support group this week and they run therapy groups but places are limited, so I will try manage as best I can, I have good weeks and bad weeks, I have weeks where I eat regular healthy meals although even those weeks often end up crying and anxious over food,  other weeks I don't eat all day then feel ill and end up ordering take aways as then feel ill to stand and cook and get to a point I can't be bothered to eat but know I need to so I aren't too ill to do what I want to do like go and see my horse, Warwick and enjoy singing with choir, the 2 things that distract me from my eating disorder and I enjoy doing and have helped me fight my mental health for the last few years. But I still often skip meals and make myself sick, it often gets to a point I tell myself because I can't exercise much because of my heart condition, I don't deserve to eat but I try fight it. I did a sponsored swim in 2020 and swam 18 miles in 10 weeks was meant to do 22 miles in 12 weeks but hurt my back, then got coronavirus then we had lockdown and when the pool reopened I did some more, I have 3 miles left to swim and going to do another sponsored swim this year, because I'm doing it for charity I don't swim just to burn calories I know I have to eat regularly and pace myself with the swim ( a few years ago I was swimming just to burn calories and hurt my shoulder yet still made myself swim), aiming for healthy rather than a weight on the scales. I've been told in the past eat 3 meals and 3 snacks and don't restrict food and our bodies have a set point weight which is healthy for each individual person and if ours is higher and we try fight that that is when restricting food leads to bingeing on food which leads to feeling guilty about the food so then using compensatory behaviours like fasting or making yourself sick or over exercising or taking laxatives and the vicious cycle continues. 

Lockdown has affected so many of us mentally, I know for me it has been lonely despite having choir on zoom and friends who have zoomed with me and have group therapy on zoom which has affected my mood which affected my eating disorder as gives me more time to think about food and other negative thoughts and being stuck in the flat alot means I can't just plan a days food and go out which means you end up thinking about it constantly, what your having or not having etc. It can be tiring and physically ive not felt well since having caronavirus too which has also made me feel low in mood.

I'm anxious about going back in the "real world" due to body image I get self conscious even having to be seen on zoom if have to stand to sing and often wear a black hoodie although for choir we wear a red t shirt, the first time I wore my red t shirt in 2018 I took an overdose just because I hated myself and my weight so much, I should have gone to choir that night instead spent 5 days in hospital, thankfully that was the last time I took an overdose and I have had so many positive experiences with choir I had got to a point my weight didn't bother me so much but being on zoom so long my anxiety about going out has got bad due to my body image and social anxiety so I need to find a way to deal with that but I won't let it beat me.

Recovery is a mindset, not a number on the scales and help with that mindset should be available preferably early on in someones suffering so more lives are saved, im lucky in some ways, I have a body that hasn't wanted to give up even when my head has and now I'm 40 i need to live the life I should have, not the one I have feeling guilty about  eating and being alive....life is for living and to enjoy and I'm starting to believe it.

On all the following pictures I was suffering with bulimia, yet was rarely a low weight but could have died due to the organ damage and suicide attempts i made 😢 😔 💔