When your mental illness becomes your identity...

As I have mentioned before I have suffered with my mental health from being very young...however I feel that over the last 5 years it has almost become my identity. Before that I had never been a quitter in life I  general, i have often struggled academically and socially but if I failed something I would just pick myself back up and try again. I guess because I always struggled socially especially when I was a teenager I kept myself busy with hobbies and so I was in the church choir, St John's ambulance cadets and horse riding. I always had a strong work ethic and studied and worked hard.....during college and uni I did factory work and work at a riding school...if I wanted to ride I had to work to pay for it...although I have always been emotionally and practically dependent on my parents I always earned my own money. When my career path with horses didn't work out i did factory work and part time work with horses which started as yard work but then moved on to teaching and although i have my anxiety I do love working with people once I have my own confidence in my ability. Teaching horse riding gave me the confidence to become a support worker/care assistant and working helping people was the job I loved doing the most, the satisfaction you get out of having helped other people is so rewarding and horses took more of a back seat and I kept horse riding as more of a hobbie. I taught horse riding still but also worked full time as a carer and bought Warwick and loved having him. I continued to teach horse riding for 4 years but then moved Warwick and looked after him for 4 years myself. During that 4 years was when my eating disorder got quite bad but I continued working as a carer even doing agency shifts whilst on home leave. By then I was on disability living allowance which meant on my worst weeks I still had an income when i wasnt upto working and i did bank and I did agency work so I wasn't letting anyone down on my bad weeks and on my better weeks I would make up my lost hours often doing 4 or 5 12 hour night shifts despite my problems. It was in 2012 I first ended up getting admitted to the mental health ward. I was always open at work about having mental health problems but it wasnt my identity, I often got told I was good as a support worker and also had been good at teaching horse riding and was a good owner to Warwick. It was in 2014 I finally had to admit defeat and give up work I was too emotional and unreliable due to being in and out of hospitals and I think 2015, the year I was in hospital for a year is when I lost me. I have had times since then that I have thought I still want to help other people and horses and when I was in hospital still talked of doing my horse riding instructor exam and training to be a nurse or occupational therapist but now physically and mentally I struggle too much and at the moment I dont know how much of the old me I can get back. I think once you become classed as having a severe and enduring mental health problem it becomes your life, and consumes your life and therapy and support are what your life consists of. In my case I have dependant personality disorder so I fear independence, in fact I live my life being fearful of lots of things, I also have avoidant personality disorder which means I avoid fearful situations and situations where I feel I'm not good enough. I always had these things but used to be able to fight my way past my anxieties. I guess I still have pushed myself out of my comfort zone with volunteering at Bransby, joining AFO choir and passing my level 2 horse riding instructor exam but I often feel embarrassed telling people I dont work. I think I probably judge myself and imagine other people will judge me too...and I guess that's why I'm so open on Facebook about my mental health. It explains everything and how I am and act in certain situations and honestly I am trying to be normal. I started therapy this week and one of the goals of therapy is to find " a life worth living " .It is for 2 years so be patient with me I will continue to fight for a normal life where my mental health although may never go will take a back seat so I can enjoy a more normal life where I'm not defined by my mental illnesses.

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