Eating disorder is always lurking
I thought I would do a blog of what's going on now re eating disorder rather than another long story of the past. I started a group therapeutic community for personality disorders this week and it is still early days in that. The therapeutic community is to help you to deal with emotional stuff and working with other people with similar emotional issues to help each other. But they even admit they aren't an eating disorder service and eating disorder services are so stretched it is hard to get help from them especially for bulimia. The problem with that is I cant get any help with meal planning, portion control, weight management, body image, dealing with the eating disorder voice that makes you feel guilty about eating and then how to deal with urges to binge because of emotions or restricting. So I'm trying the best I can to deal with it myself.....
Last week I was doing a special k diet which although was eating regularly was too low calorie...was making me feel faint. I've got goals outside of mental health to try fight my eating disorder...I'm doing a sponsored swim to raise money for people with spinal injuries which is swimming 22 miles in 12 weeks. So I need to have energy to be able to do it and also I enjoy doing gigs with the choir I'm in...if I'm physically ill from not eating enough I wont be able to go to choir which I love going to.....
So...this week I told myself I had to eat proper meals all day on the days I'm at choir (I also joined Navigo choir...mental health services wellbeing choir)...so had choir after therapeutic community on Monday and Tuesday. So on Monday I had breakfast from McDonald's...an egg mcmuffin, a hash brown and a hot chocolate because I couldn't be bothered to cook that morning. I then had a falafel and houmous wrap, a Muller light yogurt and lucozade for lunch and I felt so full...physically I felt ill so got upset because I thought the week before I felt ill from not eating enough then this week felt ill from eating normal amounts but I did push through it and had a jacket potato with bolognese for tea...went to sleep for a couple of hours after therapy and made it to choir ...so success....but then I bought the next days lunch...a Tesco meal deal on my way home...another success until there were donuts reduced to 22p...not the end of the world but I'm very much all or nothing so if I have a day of not eating I dont get hungry but it's like if I allow myself to eat the floodgates open and I binge...I know it's not a major binge...but 5 donuts is definitely greedy but sometimes you feel like a food addict...a year ago I would have made myself sick but I try not to now as being sick regularly obviously damages your throat which isnt good for singing....for years damaging my whole body didn't seem to bother me...I guess it's weird what can change your thinking...a year ago I actually took an overdose because it was the only way I could think to stop myself being stuck in the cycle of binging and throwing up numerous times a day...so I guess in some ways progress. (This time last year when i took the overdose my care co ordinator and crisis team told me to get my gp to refer me to eating disorder services for help...to no avail). Anyway Tuesday my eating disorder voice was telling me that because I binged on the donuts I wasnt allowed to eat...but I did the opposite to the eating disorder voice and actually cooked an omelette for breakfast then had a Tesco meal deal for lunch...cheese and tomato pasta, a flap Jack and lucozade, then I had a pie, veg and potatoes for tea so didn't binge that day and I went to Navigo choir so success again...especially as the eating disorder voice was lurking. However on Wednesday I (or should I say the eating disorder voice) was telling me to stay in bed and avoid eating for the day as I had been eating too much the last few days) but then about 3pm the rational part of me told myself I needed to eat as was going to the stables to groom Warwick and lunge someone else's horse and obviously I enjoy my time there so I did myself a microwave lasagne and garlic bread, enjoyed my time at the stables and went to my mum and dads where there were some chocolate temptations I gave into...but considering I hadn't eaten most of the day I had a chocolate sponge and 2 small chocolate bars... and then had some vegetarian sausages and beans on toast late at night... so then I felt guilt and had stomach pain so for the first time in ages had to be sick just mostly to get rid of the physical pain....with hindsight if I had eaten regular structured meals in the day that wouldn't have happened. Anyway today I felt physically tired and ill from being sick the night before but I made myself have an omelette for breakfast and I made a healthy packup to take to therapy....which my head then wouldn't let me eat all day....I ended up feeling more Ill with a bad headache which didn't go even after eating my houmous sandwich eventually when I got home. And i was feeling really emotional all day so ended up giving into dominoes and having that for my tea....my go to depression food....i have a love hate relationship with it....
So....my plan from now is i start my sponsored swim next week so i need to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks (according to the bit of eating disorder CBT therapy treatment I have had) and need to fight the eating disorder voice....but then I dont know if it's better to have eggs or cereal for breakfast or alternate, what if I have too much and get even bigger, what if I don't have enough and keep going dizzy...this is why i asked my gp to refer me to a dietitian but apparently if it's for an eating disorder it has to be through eating disorder services....so much red tape and politics within healthcare....anyway if anyone has any words of advice or words of wisdom....feel free....i will keep fighting for a life worth living ED can ****off...
Last week I was doing a special k diet which although was eating regularly was too low calorie...was making me feel faint. I've got goals outside of mental health to try fight my eating disorder...I'm doing a sponsored swim to raise money for people with spinal injuries which is swimming 22 miles in 12 weeks. So I need to have energy to be able to do it and also I enjoy doing gigs with the choir I'm in...if I'm physically ill from not eating enough I wont be able to go to choir which I love going to.....
So...this week I told myself I had to eat proper meals all day on the days I'm at choir (I also joined Navigo choir...mental health services wellbeing choir)...so had choir after therapeutic community on Monday and Tuesday. So on Monday I had breakfast from McDonald's...an egg mcmuffin, a hash brown and a hot chocolate because I couldn't be bothered to cook that morning. I then had a falafel and houmous wrap, a Muller light yogurt and lucozade for lunch and I felt so full...physically I felt ill so got upset because I thought the week before I felt ill from not eating enough then this week felt ill from eating normal amounts but I did push through it and had a jacket potato with bolognese for tea...went to sleep for a couple of hours after therapy and made it to choir ...so success....but then I bought the next days lunch...a Tesco meal deal on my way home...another success until there were donuts reduced to 22p...not the end of the world but I'm very much all or nothing so if I have a day of not eating I dont get hungry but it's like if I allow myself to eat the floodgates open and I binge...I know it's not a major binge...but 5 donuts is definitely greedy but sometimes you feel like a food addict...a year ago I would have made myself sick but I try not to now as being sick regularly obviously damages your throat which isnt good for singing....for years damaging my whole body didn't seem to bother me...I guess it's weird what can change your thinking...a year ago I actually took an overdose because it was the only way I could think to stop myself being stuck in the cycle of binging and throwing up numerous times a day...so I guess in some ways progress. (This time last year when i took the overdose my care co ordinator and crisis team told me to get my gp to refer me to eating disorder services for help...to no avail). Anyway Tuesday my eating disorder voice was telling me that because I binged on the donuts I wasnt allowed to eat...but I did the opposite to the eating disorder voice and actually cooked an omelette for breakfast then had a Tesco meal deal for lunch...cheese and tomato pasta, a flap Jack and lucozade, then I had a pie, veg and potatoes for tea so didn't binge that day and I went to Navigo choir so success again...especially as the eating disorder voice was lurking. However on Wednesday I (or should I say the eating disorder voice) was telling me to stay in bed and avoid eating for the day as I had been eating too much the last few days) but then about 3pm the rational part of me told myself I needed to eat as was going to the stables to groom Warwick and lunge someone else's horse and obviously I enjoy my time there so I did myself a microwave lasagne and garlic bread, enjoyed my time at the stables and went to my mum and dads where there were some chocolate temptations I gave into...but considering I hadn't eaten most of the day I had a chocolate sponge and 2 small chocolate bars... and then had some vegetarian sausages and beans on toast late at night... so then I felt guilt and had stomach pain so for the first time in ages had to be sick just mostly to get rid of the physical pain....with hindsight if I had eaten regular structured meals in the day that wouldn't have happened. Anyway today I felt physically tired and ill from being sick the night before but I made myself have an omelette for breakfast and I made a healthy packup to take to therapy....which my head then wouldn't let me eat all day....I ended up feeling more Ill with a bad headache which didn't go even after eating my houmous sandwich eventually when I got home. And i was feeling really emotional all day so ended up giving into dominoes and having that for my tea....my go to depression food....i have a love hate relationship with it....
So....my plan from now is i start my sponsored swim next week so i need to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks (according to the bit of eating disorder CBT therapy treatment I have had) and need to fight the eating disorder voice....but then I dont know if it's better to have eggs or cereal for breakfast or alternate, what if I have too much and get even bigger, what if I don't have enough and keep going dizzy...this is why i asked my gp to refer me to a dietitian but apparently if it's for an eating disorder it has to be through eating disorder services....so much red tape and politics within healthcare....anyway if anyone has any words of advice or words of wisdom....feel free....i will keep fighting for a life worth living ED can ****off...
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