Face the fear and do it anyway....

I've mentioned before about having avoidant personality disorder, a type of severe social anxiety. I often say I don't have friends anymore when I'm really down. But what I mean is my good friends who I've had for years have busy lives and I feel I don't fit in their lives anymore. Which I do just not always as often as I would like but when we get together I do end up enjoying seeing them. Over the last 5 years really because of my severe and enduring mental health problems I have been more avoidant of social situations as my anxiety about feeling I'm not good enough , I won't fit in, what if i embarrass myself especially if i have one of my emotional meltdowns and end up crying and also with my eating disorder what if i get anxious about the food or conversations about diet talk etc. that often happens at social gatherings. So last night I was invited to a gin and jazz night for my actually oldest friends birthday (we have been friends since I was about 13, we met through mutual hobbies, we were in Saint John's ambulance cadets and the church choir and it was me who is to blame for getting her into horse riding....her horse shares a field with my horse and I joked I talk to her horse more than her just because of how busy her life is with work and horse competitions etc.). My first worry for me was I didn't know what the menu for the meal was going to be as it was a set menu and we didn't know until a few days before what it was. Usually if I'm going out for a meal I end up looking up the menu before I go, planning what I'm going to have, work out the calories in it and exercise and restrict food on the day and then worry what everyone else is having and worry they will think I'm greedy etc if I have a pudding or starter or both and then i end up letting my anxiety get the better of me. In my younger days I would have also drunk alot on a rare night out to give me confidence and then use it as an excuse to not eat. Originally I had planned I wasn't going to drink and was going to drive...always a good get out clause for not drinking but then part of the meal was 3 mini cocktails and so I thought I might as well join in so I got my dad to give me a lift. I was also worried about not knowing the other people going well and also what i looked like and was going to wear, usually feeling self conscious in whatever i wear and other excuses i would often use to avoid a social situation. But I got my niece to help me do my hair and make up and decided to wear what I felt most comfortable in. We picked up another of my friends friends on the way and I hadn't seen her in years but remembered we had got on well when we had all gone away to butlins when we were younger and we both felt nervous about going in first...which made me realise everyone is the same really just some people are better at hiding their insecurities than others. We were the first to arrive so decided to get a drink. Because I haven't been out in so long I decided to just get the same drink she had which I had never had but had heard how everyone loves gin nowadays.So I had a pink gin and lemonade it was so nice. I decided that seeing as I was out to enjoy a meal I would ask if anyone else was having a starter and a pudding and decided as long as at least one other person was having a starter I would too and confidently ordered it. To be honest it was the first time in a long time I have gone out with a group where everyone wasn't going on about diets and "being good etc" like normally happens which always highlights my eating disorder insecurities. So I actually enjoyed a 3 course meal, a couple of alcoholic drinks (had one of my old time faves...Malibu and diet coke), and although was tempted to drink more knew that would trigger my bulimia and I just wanted to end the night on a good note...so a win win. We had reminisced about our younger years which had involved a few drunken laughs and was an ace night....I faced my fears and did it anyway....grateful to still having a good friend...