Things more positive than last year.....proud I haven't overdosed in a year

It showed up on my Facebook memories today that I couldn't face going to choir last year as I felt too fat to go out. It actually was worse than that and I ended up taking an overdose and spent 5 days in hospital. This time last year I had just had my gallbladder out but even that wasn't stopping bulimia in its tracks and I took the overdose as it was the only way to get out of the cycle of eating and being sick...even the thought of bursting my stitches after my gallbladder OP didn't stop me making myself sick.

Fast forward a year I'm proud to say I haven't taken any overdoses in exactly a year...so since 2014 this is the safest year I have had. (I do have support workers do my prescribed medication but I haven't had the strong thoughts to buy paracetamol that I used to obsessively do). A big part of this is since joining a choir I have found a purpose and enjoyment in life I never thought I would find again. For a year I do still have fleeting obsessive suicidal thoughts but I literally plan my weeks and live week to week...a big part of this year was choir gigs. I set myself the goal to do all the gigs I said I would do and I have done them. Last year when I first joined choir I was nervous to do any gigs. The Christmas show last year was the first one I did...I was so nervous. But the more gigs I have done the the more confident I am getting. As far as my bulimia goes I'm rarely sick now...I often binge then dont eat the next day to try and compensate....I tell myself if I'm sick it will affect my throat for singing.  God knows why that works as until this year I was being sick most days for the best part of 16 years and it has definitely affected my singing voice. I used to sing soprano in a church choir but I cant reach that range anymore so I sing alto which I find alot easier to pitch. I'm trying to fight my eating disorder voice daily ...I need to eat to have energy to do the sponsored swim I am doing for charity and I need to eat to be able to go to choir and to spend time with Warwick my horse. I was talking to someone else who is anorexic who told me she didn't want to eat anymore this week until her jeans fit better. I can relate to that thinking and if I didn't have those goals I would totally give into the voice to just not eat for days at a time and not care if it made me I'll an anorexic voice is so strong and it still screams at me how fat and disgusting I am...I still have to make myself eat regular meals and if I binge I'm trying to tell myself to not restrict after...hopefully one day I can stick to a healthy structured meal plan without bingeing or restricting....I just want to be healthy and happy 🍏😊

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