Life is for living....even when we don't feel good enough

For a long time I have thought I'm not good enough at anything. Socially or academically or anything so my weight became my focus and over the years my obsession with food and weight to deal with my fear of failure led to it making my physical and mental health worse and ironically made my life worse. It made my social anxiety worse especially as most social situations include food. Last night I went to the choir Christmas ball and had the best night in ages. Over the last 4 years my social  anxiety and bulimia had been so bad that until joining choir and feeling comfortable and included with everyone there I wouldn't have even considered going to the ball. Me in those sort of situations usually ends in me in worse case scenario getting changed loads of times then deciding I'm to fat and avoiding going. That nearly happened.. but I didn't want to let anyone else or myself down. The other thing that usually happens is I usually end up overthinking everything and thinking everyone else looks better than me, they're more confident than me, they will think I'm fat, if I'm eating they will think I'm too fat to be eating etc..etc. and I end up crying and leaving early, so when any of those thoughts started coming  I told myself well the dress fitted and did actually still look ok even though my weight had gone up a bit. There were people of all shapes and sizes and ages and everyone had made such an effort and looked  really nice. And other people had said I looked nice too so I was trying to believe it. As for the meal it is Christmas and we were there to enjoy a social event together and the meal was really nice...I think because it is Christmas everyone is more relaxed about diet talk so that made it easier ..that will come in new year I'm sure so it was nice it wasnt there last night. I even got up and had a dance with some friends from choir.. I did have a couple of drinks which probably gave me a bit of confidence but I thought to myself everyone else is dancing and having a good time and they're not going to be looking thinking I look stupid (it's only me thinks that about myself). And usually I would have been looking at the really confident good singers and dancers wishing I could be them hating that i'm me but I was just people watching, admiring those peoples confidence and thinking how good they were but that didn't mean I didn't deserve to be there. I stayed the whole night, enjoyed the meal and didn't cry (good job as I would have looked like a panda with my eye make up).And if I can feel like that in one situation then I'm sure I can again.
As for my weight I have other friends with eating disorders who I can relate to. Life can seem scary and sometimes "hiding in our illness" and it becoming our identity becomes the easiest thing to do to avoid all the anxiety that truly living causes but that isn't LIVING. A few years back when I was at my most suicidal I said I don't want to die just being remembered as a mental health patient. My bulimia came about trying to achieve the perfect "anorexic" low weight. I thought if I could be good at losing weight I could at least be good at one thing but in the end all you achieve is illness and dying...the eating disorder becomes like a voice in your head telling you you're a failure for being fat and eating but it can ****off...I want to be healthy and happy and to get back to helping other people. I looked at the photos from last night and a photo from the year I was stuck sectioned in hospital and I look healthy and I want to maintain that so that i can continue on my life journey....there is so much more i want to achieve with my life before I die....4 years ago I didn't believe life could get better and it has and I now believe it can get even better....