Frustrating that my life isn't moving on faster than I hoped...

I think it was about 5 years ago I stopped working after being let down by mental health services at the time...being told I was too high functioning for help because I was working and not committing crime to being too complex (don't worry not because I then turned to crime ...not that I'm judging anyone that does there are reasons for every person's paths in life and it is sad some people end up down that path...often due to mental health problems and addiction). I came out of an eating  disorder clinic in 2010 and seeing as I wasn't getting any therapy I thought I would just try forget my own problems and aim to train as a nurse...a career I have wanted to do since I was 12....unfortunately that was the same age my mental health problems began and they seem to have won....at the moment. I did the access to nursing course, got accepted to uni to train as a mental health nurse but then my fear of failure and other unresolved issues made my mental health problems the worst they had ever been (I know I repeat myself alot....so recap....2012 to 2014 was spent in and out of physical and mental health hospitals, 2015 spent whole year sectioned in hospital, 2016 to 2018 lived at supported rehab, then since beginning of 2018 have lived in my own flat with support workers who get my meds out once a day and help me do my food shop and to clean my flat...they did help me just go out as after I left hospital I got so anxious going out on my own I rarely went anywhere except to see Warwick my horse often with my mum. It took me a year to pluck up the courage to join choir and get back to doing normal stuff on my own. I've started at a group therapeutic community for mental health problems and I'm aiming to get back to a normal life but it's not going to be as simple as I was trying to convince myself.  I still have the same problems that lead to me having to stop working and I feel guilty relying on benefits but I have emotional melt downs every other hour...I passed my horse riding instructor exam a couple of years ago and did do a bit of teaching ( I did teach for 4 years in the past). But I was struggling to hold it together I really want to get back to who I was when I could at least fake being confident...food is still a massive issue which is doing my head in ...one day hopefully I will just accept myself....then the rest will follow. I am definitely going to start some volunteer work helping people again this year but I was always good at work related goals just I'm not great socially I love everyone at choir and have made friends there who I do see outside sometimes but I dont have any close friends I see regularly it's not that I dont have friends but at the age I am people are busy with families, relationships and work and I'm stuck on the shelf I guess......I think because I keep getting reminded life is all about relationships at therapy it reminds u how ur always going to b alone....my cat isnt a great conversationalist...maybe I should try teach him to talk lol....I dont know what the point of this blog post was I guess I often get my thoughts out in the open....I originally wrote my blog as a way for people to understand mental health problems and the mental health system but sometimes I use it just to get my thoughts out too...I often expect people to judge me for not working etc....but I judge myself....I've come a long way in 5 years but still got a journey to go but slow and steady wins the race....

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